Alien Developer
Buys Earth on eBay – CoverUps.com
Sold as is! Earth fetched an “astronomical price” on E-Bay recently. Newly crowned highest-bidder of Earth, Rarf Nangork, an alien from the Alpha Centauri solar system, won the bid last week for a surprising bargain price of 5 gazillion dollars.
By Matthew "Scratch" DeReno
CoverUps.com InvestigatorEARTH – While nobody was looking, the Earth was sold out from under its orbit on E-Bay last week, CoverUps has learned. The intergalactic planetary E-Bay auction represents the first time a planet had ever been auctioned and sold online anywhere in the Universe.
This is a radical departure from how alien civilizations normally acquire planets, which is typically by rite of conquest. Still, CoverUps has learned, most people do not realize we are no longer an independent planet.
“Hey, we forked up the cash and it's ours,” said Rarf Nangork, a Gray alien from the Alpha Centauri solar system with real estate holdings spanning the Universe. “That's why I've been buying up stuff here and there in the Universe... I've been saying for years that Earth has a lot of potential.... So I finally put my money where my carbon hole is.”
Nangork led a group of investors comprised mostly of Alpha Centauri aliens, though it did include ex-Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino and theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking as minority investment partners.
“We wanted to show the Earthlings that we are committed to keeping Earth in the Milky Way Galaxy. We thought Dan Marino and Stephen Hawking would add some legitimacy to those claims.”
Other alien races in the Universe don't believe that Earth is such a hot buy, and felt Nangork overpaid for the little planet. Some have derided his purchase as “Nangork’s Folly.” Other aliens call it “Section 8 from Outer Space.”
“Yes, Earth does have Hooter's restaurants, Dancing with the Stars, and stuff like that,” said Chewbacca Smith, a gelatinous-based Wupolary alien from Upsilon Andromedae, a binary star, approximately 44 light-years away in the constellation Andromeda, “But, man o'man are there a lot of problems down there on Earth…. For one thing, it seems like all the indiginous human residents hate each other. It’s like one big family feud. You wiped my people out. You made us slaves. We sold you to them. You sacked this city… This is my dirt… This is your water… yadda, yadda, yadda… Get over it.”
“Then they have all those gods and religions and war and stuff,” Smith added. “I mean sooner or later they'll learn there's one God in the Universe – and we all know it is is Gorf!”
Smith said Earth could be best viewed as a fixer-upper. The Hertinskuyar aliens, androgynous blobs from deep within the Virgo constellation, were scheming to take over Earth in 2089 but have since given up. They agreed with the Wupolaries:
“It's ideally situated, cosmically speaking, with a medium-sized star that still has a little propane left in the ol' tank -- so that’s good. Good orbit too... Nice rotational spin... Cool on the surface, hot on the inside… These (qualities) all make for good potential. But the progress of the human species, or lack thereof, really makes one think twice about developing there. I mean, at the rate they're going, chances are they'll blow up the damn thing before any real remodeling can be done.”
Nangork sees it differently.
“Yeah, Earth has its problems, but that makes it interesting. Hooters restaurants make it a unique planet, with a lot of upside – and I for one can think of no other place I'd rather live... I think I got a good deal here. Yeah, I guess it’s considered more an investment property than anything… I don’t think we want to colonize them forever or anything like that … We'll fix their governments and religions, settle their differences, and sell it back to them and make a fortune.”
CoverUps asked the White House for their reaction. U.S. President George W. Bush, jogging on his ranch in Crawford, was dumbfounded when he heard that a bunch of Aliens from Outer Space had pitched in to buy Earth, edging out Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban by a mere fifty bucks when bidding closed.
“How can they do that?” asked Bush. “We haven’t even given them citizenship yet.”
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