The South Florida Chronicles
Part II: Miami Beach – CoverUps.com
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Sunny Isles Beach: An alien hatchery is established on this private stretch of sand smack dab in the middle of Miami’s sun-soaked Miami Beach area. Here humans are metastasized as food sources while nude Alien sunbathers, buried in sand, flaunt their jutting “palms”. |
By Matthew “Scratch” De Reno
CoverUps InvestigatorPart II of III of a CoverUps exclusive look at bizarre extraterrestrial life forms in South Florida…
SOUTH BEACH, Florida – Under the ruse of a “family vacation” I embarked enthusiastically to investigate reports of interstellar alien infiltration on the sunny beaches of South Florida. I am relieved to report that, at least so far, rumors of an alien invasion are greatly exaggerated.
I found Miami crawling with interstellar aliens who were primarily interested in having a good time among themselves – not planning our abduction or mass enslavement. Yes, some of them got into trouble, but as CoverUps discovered, most interstellar aliens come to Miami for the bohemian lifestyle which we humans have cheerfully come to put ahead of everything else – even the welfare of earth itself.
Here's what I've concluded:
Most interstellar aliens have come to regard human beach-goers as a delicacy due to their elevated blood alcohol levels. A drunken earthling is what they call a “spiked biped.” However, a Wupolary temperance movement has taken hold of late, and many aliens now refrain from this habit, opting instead to prey only on sober human beings. It's a step in the right direction.
(You probably didn’t know that when aliens suck the thoughts out of human brains with microwave radiation, they get drunk, and behave erratically – sometimes embarrassingly. Occasionally they make music among themselves, like a weird interstellar Billy Joel sing-along.)
I learned that one of the reasons for this reduction in thought-sucking is an extraterrestrial crack down on operating UFOs under the influence.
According to Forg Blandorb, a Wupolary alien on a 6-Night, 7-Day all-inclusive package at Miami’s Newport Beach Side Resort, the Milky Way Galaxy is enforcing a strict .5 percent human content by food volume for all non-carbon based life forms.
Many aliens consequently think twice before whizzing around in space under the influence of human brain byproduct. Instead, they abduct us and wait it out – or use a designated pilot who’s not “flying sauced”.
So, call it progress. Most aliens I encountered refrained from sucking the thoughts out of our minds (including mine). In fact, some were quite touristy and friendly.
Case in point: Blogfodor Jefferson, a Wupulary alien from Arcturus, who I found sipping a cold bottle of Bud Light and wearing a T-shirt that read “I Went to Earth to Abduct Humans and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt.”
I asked Blogfodor, “Why Florida?” After all, he could have gone anywhere in the galaxy to take his accrued PTO days as a marketing manager with The Intergalactic General Saucer Company.
“The Caribbean waters are unique,” he said, hiccuping. “Plus, I wanted to tell everyone back at home I was where they filmed ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest’… Johnny Depp is huge on Arcturus. They’ll get a real hoot out of that.”
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Alpha Centaurians are quite fond of beach-side resorts and condos. They have refrained from abducting humans as of late. Generally, I found them quite fun to party with on the beach. The absence of palm trees indicates that many Wupolary, who like to bury themselves in sand, are keeping “it” in the stable. |
I also spoke with Nibrub Bongfilter – an Alpha Centaurian alien who seemed strangely at peace among a race of people he had once taken an oath to study and dissect for experiments.“I am here to have a good time,” Bongfilter said, “In fact, the only thing I abducted during this whole trip was a set of towels and bar soap from my hotel room.”
But still, it might not be time to rest easy. After all, South Beach is next.
To be continued… The Florida Chronicles: Part III
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