Company Uses Chains To Keep Employees
From Bullsh*tting All Day – CoverUps.com

An employee’s hand is actually chained to a computer workstation. Companies are experimenting with the concept of “chaining” employees to their desks to help reduce chronic employee online surfing.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

ST. LOUIS, MO — In a radical effort to keep employees at their desks and increase productivity, LCD Cambridge, an engineering company, is experimenting with using actual chains to keep employees productive and cut back on bullshitting. So far, the plan seems to be working beyond previous expectations.

“In case you haven’t noticed, America has a problem of epidemic proportions with bullshitting,” said LCD Human Resources Associate, Stan Bustamante, who was exonerated recently for accidentally killing an employee when he choked him with an employee handbook. “Companies don’t pay their worker’s to sit around on Monday and talk about who got whacked on "The Sopranos" the night before…. Neither do to they want your opinion on who should have got voted off the f—ing "Island" or which guy should have won 'American Idol.'"

Bustamante said other bullshitting topics include illegal immigration.

“Funny, how people sit around bitching about the Mexicans coming to take their jobs, when they are not actually doing their jobs. Isn’t that ironic?”

Bustamante cited college and pro football season as an especially high-volume bulshitting time that causes a real negative impact to this, bottom line.

“In our Pittsburgh satellite office,” Bustamante said, “our levels of customer service, as well as sales volume, dropped by twenty percent in the weeks immediately following the Steelers' Super Bowel victory. We can’t have that.”

Still, many industry analysts don’t expect the practice of chaining employees to their desks to last. Some feel it is harsh and violates many occupational safety guidelines.

Occupational Safety Specialist, August Alpharetta, was outspoken in his disdain for chaining employees to their desks:

“Not only is it demeaning, it is extremely unsafe. What happens if there is a fire and the whole building burns down? Half of your work force might go up in flames?”

“Oh, well,” Bustamante countered, “…it will give the ones that live something to talk about at the water cooler on Monday, that's for sure.”