Happy And Diverse Work Staffs
Cloned To Match Building Décor - CoverUps.com

Picture above is a happy-go get em'-and diverse work staff created with the Tonal On-Demand Staffing machine. These workers are not real human beings rather drones genetically engineered to create the right atmosphere for one's business.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

MANHATTAN - The latest in modern office building construction is a technique to genetically clone smiling and coordinating office personnel with the skin tones to match the building's general décor. The technique, first pioneered in France, is called Tonal On-Demand Staffing and is fast becoming the norm in the modern workplace.

"The building of the future will no longer include embarrassingly fat and sloppily dressed employees lacking in diversity," said Teddy Clapper. "Now you can custom tailor staff peripherals (fake-looking workers that serve no purpose other than to accent your work environment). You can create well-groomed, smiling customer service professionals. It's the ultimate personification of the computerized answering system."

This genetically engineered worker bee looks as if he got the promotion of a lifetime. He too, was created with the Tonal On-Demand Staffing machine. He was the perfect worker to have when the Equal Opportunity People came snooping around back in May 2005.

Teddy Clapper's family is no stranger to cutting edge gadgetry. His great grandfather, Morris Wilhelm Clapper was partially responsible for the patent on the "clapper" light switch (Not to be confused with Teddy Clapper's less praiseworthy maternal grandfather, Merle T. Kleppinger who was called "clapper" due to his propensity for spreading "the Clap").

With Tonal On-Demand Staffing the diversity issues of the modern day workforce are solved, Clapper said. Simply "adjust" the building's level of any ethnic makeup and-Poof!-you have a healthy dose of Mexican look-alikes for the Cinco De Mayo party or happily smiling African American's for February Black History Photo Ops, Clapper said. Need to dial down the white bread, no problem. Need to go heavy on vaguely cross-cultural Eurasians-a simple adjustment on a dial!

Even better, Clapper added, the regular employees can hardly tell the clones from managers or workers from other departments thus cultivating a healthy atmosphere of suspicion and bureaucratic McCarthyism.

This attractive office worker methodically goes about a business phone call. She goes well with this advertising agency's sleek modern décor. She was created by setting the "white" dial to about 8 (out of 10) while setting the "secondary ethnicity" setting to about "Mediterranean 4". She is also programmed to test the company's sexual harassment polices by eating lollipops at her desk.

Clapper said another cool feature of the latest Tonal On-Demand Staffing technique is called "ambient diversity," whereas handsome looking and professional employees are tailored to the "look" how you want your building and business to breath. He said if you have an ultramodern sleek metal building with minimalist decor, Asians work well. Generally softer stucco and mid-tones, people of Mediterranean background go great, he said. White people generally go well with burnished oak, he added. You can even hand tailor your business' appearance using the coordinating racial make-up and building color schemes, he said. You would be amazed at the color palette available.

"Ultimately, it is about making your customers feel better," Clapper said. "And, when it comes down to it, while everyone sees this color or that one, you will see the only color that any ethnic group really cares about-Green!"

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)

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