Company Limits Words Employees
Allowed to Speak – CoverUps.com

Terry Martinovic of Morenzi Associates has created a list of ten words employees are only allowed to speak. It is part of an effort to have employees sound more hip, yet knowledgeable. Yet, less like the complete freaking morons the temp agency was able to drum up on short notice.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

MIAMI, FL — In yet another startling trend it the workplace, CoverUps.com has learned of a company that has limited the amount of words it’s employees are permitted to speak and use in e-mail correspondence. They claim it is all part of their plan to streamline the communication process and deal with an increasingly uneducated and idiot-sounding employee workforce, the byproduct of our failed educational institutions.

Terry Martinovic, a human resource rep with Morenzi Associates, a passport processing center in Miami, came up with a list of “ten golden words” which would allow most of the rank and file in his office to complete a day without sounding like the complete low-wage schmucks they are, CoverUps.com has learned.

“I was tired of listening to our employee’s incessant blathering drivel. Nowadays the ability to hold and maintain intelligent conversation appears to be a lost art. So, why have our employees sound like idiots when they are asked simple questions?” Martinovic said.

“My list of approved words has taken the guess work out of thinking about what to say, while at the same time allowing from freedom of expression with cool, trendier terms built into the list,” Martinovic said.

With Martinovic’s list of approved words, employees with empty heads can save themselves the strain of choosing what and what not to say.

He shared the following list with CoverUps.com:

Employees may choose from the following list of words when communicating with one another either in person or via written correspondence (see parenthetical notes and usage examples):

• “Yes”
  (Free add-ons: “Boss,” “Captain” “Sir-ee Bob” or “Chief”)

• “No”
  (Free add-ons: “Friggin way” “…can do” “…what part of ** didn’t you understand.”)

• Choose “Boo-yea!”or, a long drawn out “Damn!” but not both.
  (Example: Boss: “Everybody add ten percent to their bonus this month…” Employee: “Boo-yea!”)

• That’s 'gay'
  (Example: “Hey, did you hear John called in again on the heaviest work volume day?” “That’s gay.”)

• ASAP
  (Do we need to spell this out?)

• Noted
  (Example: Boss: “The work you did on the Henderson account really sucked.” Employee: “Noted.”)

• Will do
  (Again, this is self explanatory.)

• Cool Beans (Example: Boss: “You have been promoted…” Employee “Cool Beans.”)

• “I am to please” (Example: Boss: “Do you think you will reach those projected sales figures?” Employee: “I aim to please.”)

• Either “Margaritas?” or “Beer?” but not both. (Example: Employee # 1: “Beer?” Employee # 2: “Boo-yea!”)

Martinovic said he's working on a list of non-verbal forms of communication as well, such as making “six-shooters” with your hands and other gestures pumping one’s fist or making a “jerk-off” gesture when an employee feels he is getting the runaround or shafted by management. Also, there could be an approved management list as well, which would include such stock phrases as “Get the F— out of my office” and “Why does this shit head still work here?”

But, for now, employees will have to adhere to the approved list. The current list is by no means exhaustive, Martinovic said, but will continually evolve and allows for a good degree of flexibility.

“For instance,” he said, “you can send someone an email that says 'Margaritas'? or 'Beer'? but it is either one or the other.”

We asked Martinovic if we could substitute, say, 'wine'? for either 'margarita'? or 'Beer'?

“That’s gay,” he said.