Goofballs for the Ethical Treatment of Material
Possessions Strives to Raise Awareness – CoverUps.com
Goofballs for the Ethical Treatment of Material Possessions (GETMO) is calling for a national awareness day on the rights of material objects, like DVD-players, HDTVs, I-Pods, toasters and in some cases, women. GETMO is dedicated to raising awareness for the rights of material objects and was launched last month.
By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com InvestigatorWASHINGTION, D.C. – Little are most people aware that Goofballs for the Ethical Treatment of Material Objects (GETMO) was founded only last month – an organization, some say long overdo, whose mission is to both “celebrate accumulation of material wealth while respecting the inherent rights of material objects.”
“Your DVD has rights because it can experience pain,” said Martin Cashman, president and cofounder of GETMO “I mean the other day I accidentally played the movie Gigli staring Ben Affleck and J-Lo…. Wow, you could hear the DVD screaming all the way to front yard.”
Doomed to a life of servitude, this 5.1 Channel Dolby Digital Surround Sound System has for years suffered the quiet desperation of an overloaded circuit board and inadequate surge protector. GETMO has helped its owner learn to see this appliance as “deserving of equal consideration” with other inanimate objects such as rocks and plants. Cashman said no appliance should be made to suffer like that, not even a toaster.
“Did you ever think what happens when you put bread in toaster?” Cashman said. “How would you like it if somebody slipped a slice of bread into your ‘slots’ every day? That is the horror that toasters live with every day of their lives.”
He also said Vacuum cleaners are essentially “domestic sex slaves” being forced “to suck” all day, but declined to explain his theory any further.
He didn’t stop there...
"Bowling balls are treated like two-bit tramps – they get fingered and tossed in the gutter,” Cashman said, wiping a tear from his eye. “Door knobs have long been the free prostitutes of the material object world – you know, everybody gets a turn!”
Tears of the Toaster: Here a toaster is shown getting bread forcefully jammed down its “slots.” This sort of treatment has GETMO crying foul. However, others counter that this is what indeed a toaster was designed for and if not for toast “what the f—ck else is it good for?” GETMO is partially funded by big credit card companies, Cashman said, the ones “you simply can’t leave home without (wink).” Additionally, GETMO receive billions of dollars from the sub-prime mortgage brokerage industry as well as a few billion siphoned from Sallie Mae educational securities.
“Frankly, we are sick of the way people treat material objects – like they have no rights,” Cashman said, who sells Lincoln Navigators when not stewarding his organization. “It is time we realize that material objects have rights of their own…. Far too often people treat material possessions badly. Animals are treated far better than most sofas and armchairs in the world. We are dedicated to raising public awareness of these inequalities.”
Some are claiming that GETMO is simply another wacky organization buttressed by credit card blood money in an effort to make Americans slaves to materialism, but that person has a perfect credit score and ostensibly never enjoyed the thrill of downloading a thousand songs to an I-pod or running over the balance on his Visa Platinum from a sultry week in Vegas.
Stan Rubin, 66, of Goshen, Ind., says that GETMO has given him a new appreciation for material objects, in particular, his wife of 30 years, Muriel Rubin.
“I always treated my wife like a material object,” he confessed to CoverUps.com. “I mean her job is to make me happy and get me a beer every so often… After three decades, I never thought to consider that she might have rights of her own. I was just happy that she has such a long shelf life and still works….although the ‘finish’ wore off back in 85’. Still, she gets the job done.”
In happier times: Stan Rubin has found a new appreciation for the rights of material objects. It never dawned on him that his wife, who has slaved for years getting him beer, might actually have rights. Cashman was not surprised.
“This is the kind of awareness we are trying to raise. Women have rights just like toasters and DVD-Players. I mean this isn’t the Middle East after all – isn’t it? Over there, they treat women worse than material objects. Would you ever throw rocks at your refrigerator?”
Despite GETMO’s noble endeavors, his organization has been the recipient of thousands of complaints since it was launched. Some have likened it to the latest indulgence on a celebrity-obsessed materialistic culture gone way over board and a harbinger that the end is indeed near.
“Oh, well,” mused Cashman, “These are the same people that have been beating rugs for years – so what can you expect?”
It must be noted that shortly after this story; both Cashman and Goshen were shot dead by their wives. The DVD-Players, toasters and women could be heard cheering all the way to the Middle East!
