Man Threatens To Hang Himself At Work
Unless Bonuses Are Reinstated - CoverUps.com

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

SAN FRANCISCO — Terry Vadella feels the company he slaves works for owes him. He claims he's worked his ass off for the past fiscal quarter, doubling the number of outbound calls he makes to potential clients as an inside sales rep for Bond Communications.

Bond Communications is a small California based firm specializing in the neo-boolean optimization of communication and derivative system networking technology (such a mind-numbing industry description was nearly enough for CoverUps to ask if Vadella could tie another noose).

"Every person here was expected to annoy or harrass call on thirty potential customers a day," Vadella told us dolefully. "I averaged sixty. I was expecting a handsome bonus. Instead they stuck a red hot poker up my ass. They didn't say squat about why they canceled the bonus. Or about why they stuck a red hot poker up my ass. I think the two are related – I'm just not sure how."

He turned to CoverUps for help.

On his behalf, we decided to step in. We stopped the CEO of Bond Communications, Chester Neffin, in the executive parking lot, where he was lobbying his busty secretary for sexual favors in the back seat of his new Mercedes.

"Do you mind?" Neff asked us, just as we were about to bring up Vadella.

Two minutes later as he zipped himself up we were able to broach the subject.

"Who?" asked Neff, after we described Vadella's plight at some length. "You mean that guy who walks around with the noose around his neck? I thought we fired him."

Pushing on, we recounted to the scowling Neff all the hard work Vadella had put in. How he'd not just met but far surpassed Bond Communication's goals. And we described his bitter disappointment over the company's cancellation of bonuses.

"Bonuses? We gave out bonuses?" Neff asked in astonishment and anger. "I'll have to fire the son-of-a-bitch who thought up that one. That really frosts me. I wonder if we can do some kind of give-back. Make it retroactive to the company's founding. Yeah, that's it. We can put it on the agenda for next week's outsourcing meeting."

Just then Nef's cell phone rang. It was his Vice President, calling to say that Vadella had just hung himself in his cubicle.

"Who?" asked Neff. "You mean that guy who walks around with the noose around his neck? I thought we fired him."

Neff's secretary had just emerged from the back of the Mercedes. She was buttoning her blouse when she screamed and pointed to the Bond building.

From the vantage point of the parking lot, we could dimly see a body swinging back and forth above a cubicle on the third floor. Someone nearby was taking a picture of it with a cellphone camera.

Neff turned to us without missing a beat.

"Ever consider a job in sales?" he asked. "Great company, great benefits. Lots of upside potential..."

We were too stunned to say anything. Neff handed us his card with a wink and headed back toward the office, his secretary on his arm.

Tony Vadella is survived by his customer rolodex and sales territory map.

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)