Mermaids Demand Friendly
Work Environments – CoverUps.com

Mermaids, those mythical fish-tailed creatures of the sea, have traditionally found the modern day office extremely forbidding. Now some activists are advocating “reasonable accommodations” so that mermaids, too, can take jobs as accountants, clerks and secretaries – occupations previously denied to them because they can't breathe air for long periods of time.

By "Scratch" De Reno
CoverUps.com Investigator

THE SEVEN SEAS and THE U.S.A. - Bob Stevenson is a Business Manager at the prestigious Mellon Private Wealth Management Company in Boston, MA. He oversees an exemplary work force of both men and women spanning all the representative ethnic groups in America. But now a new "diversity" demand has been placed on him -- and he says he's close to the breaking point.

The latest group of victims demanding Stevenson's attention? Mermaids!

“The EEOC says I have to hire mermaids or we'll be sued by the federal government and the MCLU (Mermaid Civil Liberties Union)" Stevenson said, exasperated.

A second lawsuit is pending that would require him to install “aqua tanks” in his office so that Mermaids can work alongside humans.

“We're looking at retrofitting all our cubicles at a cost of 35 million dollars," he said. "All so a few mythical half-fish/half-human creatures can process invoices and carry out administrative duties, which typically pay $10 per hour.”

Though “aqua tanks” are the most visible problem presented by these exotic denizens of the deep, they're far from the only one. Take the issue of dress policy.

“Most Mermaids are naked from the waist up,” Stevenson shrugged. “They say it's a cultural thing. Only their hair covers their breasts. But their hair always floats in the water. It's hard (no pun intended) for half my accountants to stay focused on their spreadsheets when that happens.”

Stevenson told representatives of the Mermaid Federation they would have to agree to wear normal "human" workforce attire if terrestrial companies were going to even consider installing “Aqua Tanks," but the Federation balked, promising a deluge of legal consequences.

"We were gonna get soaked," Stevenson said. "So we coved. Er, caved."

“We just want the chance to show the world that there's more to us than just wanting to fall in love with handsome princes or to be exploited in cheese-ball Hollywood films,” said Aquara, who recently completed her MBA at Boston University. “We're smart and we demand to be taken seriously. All we ask is that companies pay huge sums of money so that we can have the same chance anyone else does to move up in corporate America and kiss middle-management's butt.”

"Didja hear that? Didja hear what she just said?" said a visibly agitated Stevenson. "The world has gone berserk! Hell, what are are we gonna do if one of those fish-chicks makes management one day? Get rid of the corner office and put in a giant aquarium?”

Aquara was not moved. “He can start by getting rid of the humans-first attitude,” she huffed.

CoverUps.com has learned that local police are investigating a report, filed by Stevenson, claiming that his car – a vintage '65 Barracuda – was keyed by a three-pointed object.

"Sounds like a trident to me," Stevenson said.

Aquara had no comment.

(Scratch De Reno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)