Office Man "Goes Vista" – Kills 8,
Voids Warranty
– CoverUps.com
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According to reports, Jeff Numbshat, 44, a Regional Manager for Genco Distribution in Cleveland, went "Vista" early last week when his computer froze due to an operating system malfunction. He lost an entire account as well as all his reasoning and mental faculties. He went on to choke his manager, who foolishly compounded Numbshat's rage by asking him if he'd backed up his data before the freeze. |
By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.comCLEVELAND, Pa. – In a disturbing national trend, overly stressed white-collared stiffs, driven to rage or despair by the tidal wave of bugs and unexplainable behavior of the latest operating system from Microsoft – Windows "Vista" – are suffering what is now being calleed “Vista Syndrome” by the medical community. These poor lost souls often snap violently and without warning – or "Go Vista", as many of their frightened co-workers around America’s water coolers are saying.
“'Going Vista' describes a total loss of one’s mental faculty from having to sit behind a computer and be productive on the Windows Vista operating system,” HR manager Sheila Cassidy said in a recent interview. Cassidy is recovering from an attack that left six of her staff dead and one permanently stuck in a dead-end middle management job last week. “Usually, it has to do with some dumb-ass incompatibility between Vista and an unsupported video driver, printer driver or the plain freaking outlet in the wall… Vista systems seem unusually prone to lock-up, thus throwing users into a foaming-at-the-mouth tizzy…”
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Tom Driver, a payroll processer with Account Drones, loses a whole company payroll when his Vista operating system arbitrarily decides to take a fifteen minute break to reboot. A hidden security camera catches him “Going Vista…” Tom put his fist through this laptop and later had to be institutionalized. |
Jeff Numbshat, a manager with Genco Distribution in Cleveland, went “Vista” last week and killed eight of his cubicle row slaves, eh, coworkers. He now stands accused of aggravated homicide and could get the chair – a chair, Numbshat frets, that will probably be networked on a USB hub and tied to a PC running the Vista operating system. He fears he will likely be denied a quick death, he said.“I actually kinda liked some of the people I killed,” murmured a despondent Numbshat. “But, Vista drove me over the edge. I lost a year’s worth of data, which meant my 1-percent raise, which wasn't approved yet, was out the window. So, I said screw it…. Those bastards got what they deserved when they expected me to be productive with Vista…”
After Vista froze, Numbshat recalls how in cold blood he grabbed a coworker’s MacBook Pro and beat him over the head with it. He then chucked his old 50-pound CRT monitor at his boss, who was decapitated instantly and died several hours later in transit to a local hospital. It wasn't the first time his boss, a notoriously impatient manager, had lost his head, but it surely was the last.
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"I'm feeling much better," said Cliff Rudabegga, 31, an IT consultant who went Vista several months ago and fatally stabbed a colleague in the elbow with a laser pointer. "Can I go home now?" |
According to FBI statistics, the last time the nation witnessed such a dramatic rise in work-related PC computing violence was with the ill-fated Windows Millennium release.“For those of you who thought we made it through Y2K with no major computer issues, think again…,” said Larry Reed, a software engineer who narrowly escaped Numbshat’s killing spree last week. He spoke with CoverUps on condition of anonymity. “Let me tell you about the Millennium Edition of Windows… I was there. I saw the innocent lives taken. So, I knew what Numbshat was capable of… A human being can only take some much.”
Reed said he recorded several minutes of Numbshat’s rampage with a small webcam that captured a surprising amount of crisp, high-quality video, especially considering the old codec it used. As the terrifying images of the unhinged contract worker played out on the screen, Numbshat’s words, spoken just before he snuffed out the life of an innocent Pitney-Bowes Sales Rep, sent a chill down our spine: “Hasta La Vista Baby!”
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