New GM Family Station Wagon
Lacking In Frills - CoverUps.com

GM's concept Family S-Wagon (above) goes back to the basics with its "Industrial-era" inspired styling. The S-Wagon is a hybrid coal-fired and steam-driven engine and does not run on gasoline. Experts are not even sure if it operates on a typical 4-stroke piston engine. A few History Channel relics aside, most automotive experts familiar with the mechanics of the S-Wagon died well over a hundred years ago.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

DETROIT, MI - Once again it would appear American car manufacturers are beyond the curve when it comes to the latest trend in consumer automobiles. However, this time, General Motors Co. is putting all bets on the "nostalgic" 8x8 coal-powered Family S-Wagon to be introduced in '09. Some are calling it nothing more than a shit wagon.

"Frankly, we don't know what to say," said Consumer Reports editor-at-large Burt Diesel. "I mean how can you compare something like this? I know Ford was bringing back the Mustang and Chevy restyled Camaro, but will a coal-powered wagon really fly-I mean even roll?"

GM seems to think so.

"We are simply anticipating future transportation demand," said GM North America Marketing Vice President, Cole Powers. "With most American jobs being outsourced overseas and CFOs raking in millions, there is less spendable money for the average American family. Add to that the coming real estate bust and there will be a need for something like this in a short period of time-trust us on this one!"

On the plus side, GM said the S-Wagon will cost approximately $789 fully equipped with a side water barrel. A GT model will include a barrel sturdy enough to survive heaving oneself over a waterfall, should the embarrassment of driving this car prove too much to take.

Additionally, qualified buyers short on cash can finance the car at $35,250 over 72 months with a 10-percent interest transfer of a primary residence along and 20-quarts of a driver's matching blood type (in the likely event of an accident).

Bucking a major automobile industry trend, the Family S-Wagon comes with no warranty since it is even questionable if it has a drive train and transmission. Moreover, drivers are looking at substantially higher auto insurance premiums if the car is insurable at all:

Geico Insurance won't touch the thing with a lizard's tail. Progressive Insurance is helping launch a movement to ban the '09 S-Wagon on grounds that it is the most unsafe automobile ever created for mass transportation. It's not just a bomb, it's a dirty bomb. Progress was stated in a recent news release posted on their corporate website.

Car and Driver refused to even review the car.

"The S-Wagon is really not even modern transportation…. I mean, you can't even back this thing up since it has no reverse gear. Hell, you need to live in a Midwest state to even think about a three-point turn."

(Right) GM North American Marketing VP Cole Powers standing with driver Walt Ickes who suffered severe whip lash after taking the 09' S-Wagon on a 20 MPH pylon obstacle test drive.

Despite the vehicle's shortcomings, advanced sales of the '09 Family S-Wagon are surprisingly strong, CoverUps.com discovered.

The U.S. Military has ordered an armored fleet made of better No.1 pine for use in Iraq, Afghanistan, the Mexican border and parts of New Orleans.

"It's the perfect camouflaged vehicle," said U.S. Army Colonel Jessop Patton, "Plus, we need a transport with large capacity to deploy our deadly Chattering Chompers attack robots to the battle front. This thing holds well over several thousand.

Border jumper Jorge Sanchez liked the vehicle too:

"You could cram about 300 people in this thing-what more could you ask for?" Sanchez said.

Consumer Reports was still not convinced.

"Frankly, we thought the Ford Woody was the worst car to come out in a long time, perhaps ever," wrote Diesel in April's Consumer Reports. "But, this hunk of shit tops them all."

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)