Bank Introduces Treasure Map
Checking Accounts - CoverUps.com

Wachovia portfolio manger, Everett Cash, deposits a client's investment funds into an online hacker proof Treasure Map Checking Account®.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

NEW HAVEN, CT - The Banking industry and technology sector can allay many consumer fears with the introduction of what is being billed as a cyber attack-proof banking account, something that has proven elusive in the modern age of the Internet. This new type of account being introduced by Wachovia Bank, called a Treasure Map Checking Account®, involves customers being assigned a large "hole in the ground" where savings can be buried.

"We are very excited about Treasure Map checking," said Bert Williamson, regional vice president for Wachovia Bank. "Our consumers wanted an option that alleviated the fears and pitfalls of online banking transactions. Some were tired of deposits going into wrong accounts, their numbers being cloned and harvested, sold on the black market, that sort of stuff. This totally eliminates that fear."

With Wachovia's new Treasure Map Checking Account® program, many consumers are saying "bye, bye computer!" Say "hello, spade shovel!"

Consumers seem to like the option of having a Treasure Map Checking Account® versus free online banking.

Mike Bankovitz of West Haven, CT, said "Yeah, it's a little troublesome having to drive to the countryside to locate my treasure map checking account, but at least I don't have to worry about online hackers anymore. The whole internet thing is way over blown anyhow. I like burying my money in a hole."

Treasure map checking has widespread appeal across many demographics.

85 year-old West Haven senior Martin Kimmel "During the great depression, my father buried our money in the back yard and I have been doing it ever since. Come to think of it, we buried him in the back yard… There was this odor that…"

(Moving right along…)

22 year-old old Josh Bateman added "Chics dig it, literally."

Wachovia bank said there are still some minor flaws with Treasure Map Checking that need to be worked out. They cited one instance where a consumer's assigned hole was located over a gas line. He went to make a withdrawal and boom! They said that customer, now a quadriplegic, has since chosen to bank somewhere else. Other instances include an incorrect map location.

"I awoke early one morning to the sound of digging," said Mike Jorgenson of Hartford, CT, "Turns out it some asshole was digging up my back yard."

Pictured above is a typical specialized map given to consumers upon opening a Wachovia Treasure Map Checking Account®. With Treasure Map Checking, consumers are assigned a hole in the ground somewhere within a 100 mile radius of the account holder's principal residence. At that point they are given a map, pinpointing where their checking account is located.

"No system is perfect," Williamson said, "But you can't have it all. Just think though, with our treasure map checking, you no longer have to worry about online hackers and don't need memorize a pesky PIN number. However, you do need to remember where you left your spade shovel."

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)