God Hires Hank Williams, Jr. For New
"Are You Ready For Some Salvation" Song - CoverUps.com

In a move to get more with the times, Heaven is reportedly updating their current mélange of trite and predictable orchestral strings that have traditionally welcomed souls to Heaven to more contemporary country music, at least somewhat contemporary (comparatively speaking in biblical terms). God has hired Hank Williams, Jr., to adapt his "Are You Ready For Some Football" Monday Night Football song to be played in Heaven.

By Matthew "Scratch" De Reno 
CoverUps Investigator 

PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN - In a drastic departure from Heavenly tradition, God has divined that country music rogue (and Shreveport, Louisiana native), Hank Williams, Jr., has agreed to adapt his "Are You Ready For Some Football" song to Heaven.  It will now lead as the intro for all arriving souls at the pearly gates and will begin thusly:

Are you ready for some salvation... It's a heavenly par-tee...

Fr. Lou McKenna of the Fox Mulder Church of Boston was informed of the change from a "Memo from God," which he trusts to be highly reliable since it is from God and all.    

"God really likes the enthusiasm which the bearded country singer introduces Monday Night Football," McKenna said.  "God was not a big fan of football (American style) until the Hank Williams, Jr. dirge pumped him with excitement.  He got into it and now God and all his "rowdy saints' pile onto his cloud and they tune in for some action."

McKenna said Hank Williams, Jr.'s gusto is exactly what is needed to make Heaven more of an "exciting place" for rowdy souls and, therefore, also making it less predictable.

In a startling revelation, McKenna informed CoverUps that God once considered "gangsta rap" before he became disillusioned because of all of the violence. 

"Hell has gangsta rap sowed up all ready," The Lord Almighty allegedly said, "Beelzebub did a great job beating me to the punch on that one. So I said F-- it, let's go country and go in the opposite direction.."  

(We will not vouch for McKenna's assertion that God actually dropped an F-bomb.)  

McKenna said the new lyrics are already being bandied about by Bocephus (Hank, Jr.'s nickname), they include the following:

Well it's the end of your life and we're ready to rock!
Time to forgive all the sins, the bangs and the blocks.
It's eternity that's comin' your way.
Your soul and the angels are ready to play.
We gotta get ready, we gotta get right ...
Cause Eternal Bliss kicks off tonight!

So get ready.  I mean, get ready ...
Are you ready for some salvation?!  A heavenly  par-tee!

We've got Jesus and St. Peter and Mother Teresa ....
they're gonna get it kick started.

Pope John Paul II and the crew's all set.  The souls are psyched ....
Cause all my rowdy souls are back on Monday Night!

Fr. Lou McKenna said they were debating on whether to simply insert the day of the week that any particular batch of souls are ushered into heaven or to ratchet up the excitement and do all souls on Monday.  Although any day would work just fine; any day, except for Sundays!

Why not Sunday? We asked.  

"He rests on Sunday, stupid."

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)