Is God Playing Solitaire? - CoverUps.com

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

CoverUps.com recently divined the answer to the nagging question why aren't everyone's prayers being answered? Is it because God doesn't care? The answer is surprisingly anti-cataclysmic: God is simply not good with a computer.

Rev. Lou McKenna of The Fox Mulder Church of Boston claims to have unveiled the mystery behind numerous unattended prayers:

"Despite having the latest heavenly software, such as MS Prayer 2.0," Rev. McKenna said, "God is not inclined to use it. He likes doing things the old fashioned way, soul by soul…. However, the old way is no longer practical. There are simply way too many people now," Rev. McKenna said. "That's why it may seem like some prayers are going unheard."

It has been this way for a while, McKenna said, offering no proof of how he learned this information. With no plans to learn the software soon, Rev. McKenna believes more prayers will go unanswered. But, he assuages, it is not for a lack of wanting to answer them all.

"You have to understand server pace is severely limited in heaven," McKenna said. "It is more an issue of bandwidth than benevolence. Imagine logging into your Outlook in the morning to find over four-billion unread e-mails-not to mention spam! Now, you get the picture?"

McKenna states that if only God would take the time to learn some of the features of the software, he might appreciate how it could make his domain over all things easier. After all, the latest upgrade to MS Prayer 2.0 includes useful filtering tools that could dramatically reduce his prayer load by eliminating most of the frivolous ones. Pleas for sports victories, job promotions, and blind dates make up about 40-percent of his workload, he said. Self-centered prayers make up most of the rest, thus making it difficult to find the ones genuinely of concern for others.

Accounts Payable Supervisor, Larry Sabgash, Ft. Worth, Indiana, cheers learning he has been absolved of cheating on both his tax return and spouse.

Fr. McKenna cites a general resistance to new technology within Cloud-9 senior management. He singles out IT Manager St. Peter as an in-name-only administrator resistant to sharpen his computer skills (although more than eager to bogart the X-Box every time a new Madden release comes out).

When not rebooting crashed souls in his parish, Rev. McKenna is striving to bring the Church into the modern world. His efforts include Confessions by E-mail.

The first of its kind, this somewhat controversial program is slated for parish introduction next fall. Parishioners can simply e-mail descriptions of their transgressions to him. He will study them and respond with an appropriate penance.

"The Internet is just not for sinning anymore," he said, "but for salvation too."

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)