God Drives a BMW – CoverUps.com

Recently, God has surprised many behind the Pearly Gates with his purchase of a BMW 5 Series. Something a little sportier than the chariot he'd been driving for the last millennia or two.

By Scratch De Reno
CoverUps.com Investigator

PEARLY GATES VISTA – Once again we have received divine news, dubious of course, from Fr. Lou McKenna of The Fox Mulder Church of Boston. He is a pipeline of heavenly insights, though we refrain from calling him a modern day oracle (an asshole, perhaps – not an oracle) for fear of what it will do to his already bloated ego. But, we digress.

McKenna claims he got an email from St. Peter recently gripping about God’s new BMW, which has everyone in the Pearly Gates Vista gated community talking.

“People are curious that since God finally got rid of that ‘bomb’ he was driving – a Chariot some 2,500 years old –does this mean a new golden age for humanity is on the horizon?” McKenna questioned.

Unfortunately, that is not the case, he said.

God’s old chariot. He'd been driving this “bomb” for about 2,500 years. His new car, a BMW 5 Series, is drawing mixed reactions from His neighbors in Pearly Gates Vista, a gated community in heaven. St. Peter was a bit surprised at God's ambitious jump in automotive taste.

“I guess they thought he would have gone with something a little more environmentally friendly – like a hybrid or something,” McKenna said.

“St. Peter thought he would have been a natural for a Jeep Grand Savior because of all the bumpy clouds."

McKenna said, having rear wheel drive on Cloud Nine has its problems, but He is God, so what the hell, he can do what He literally wants to do.

McKenna claims St. Peter said that God driving a BMW is not about a new “golden age of humanity” or even a sign that the apocalypse is coming...

“It has nothing to do with his feelings on good and evil", he said. “It is more about performance driving.”

“God is really getting into cars lately and thinks he can make some of his messages more relevant to those who love cars also,” McKenna mused. “He has this idea about updating a few famous passages in the Good Book with references to automobiles.”

McKenna claims God wants to “redo” The Book of Job. Instead of cursing the man with all sorts of really bad hair day problems, like making Job sacrifice his children and all, he is just going to make him drive a Ford Escort!

Out of curiosity, we asked McKenna if he knew if God was opting for a 2 door BMW or a 4-door.

“Oh, He has to have 4 doors,” he said, “Isn’t that obvious?” Not really, we told him.

“The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit,” McKenna said, “Somebody’s got to sit in the back.”