Hell Creates Express Check-In For
Suicide Bombers – CoverUps.com

Hell has allegedly created special express lanes to handle the increasing number of suicide bombers who have to be processed.  An annoyed axe murderer, shown above, has been highly inconvenienced as a result.  "I had to wait forever behind a bunch of those towel-heads," he complained. But he also welcomed the respite from eternal damnation.  "What the hell else am I gonna do?"

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

Due to an ever-increasing number of suicide bombers, Hell is allegedly creating express check-in lanes to help speed things along.   

Fr. Lou McKenna, our CoverUps pipeline to heavenly affairs, divined the information through a "reputable source" who told him of Hell's novel solution to this bureaucratic pickle. 

"This isn't Heaven," Beelzebub, Supreme Ruler of Hell, is reported to have said.  "We want to start torturing the eternally damned right away.  We don't like it when you have to wait."

Beelzebub refers to Heaven's practice of Purgatory, which he dismisses as simply another guise for not having a Heavenly house in order.  

"Purgatory is B.S.," B-bub said. "God can't get the paperwork through fast enough to get people past the Pearly Gates. And His traffic's just a fraction of mine."

"You have any idea how much red tape is involved in getting people into Hell," complained the Prince of Darkness. "We have to process every single transgression against humanity – and for some that takes time.  At least with suicide bombers we can move things along."

Satan revealed some surprising insights into the workings of Hell.

"Most suicide bombers are surprised when they get here," he laughed. "The first question they ask is 'where are all the virgins?' 'Virgins?' [we say]. 'Sure, sure, we got your virgins.' The other demons and me always get a big laugh over that one."

What most of the bombers quickly realize is that while there ARE virgins in hell, they're not who they think they are.

"The BOMBERS are the virgins," said the Devil, slapping his knee. "Ain't that a kick in the head?"

In fact, suicide bombers are the only sex most demons get in Hell.

"They're insatiable, those demons," the Devil said. "They'll rub you raw."

The Devil said he was pleased with the express check system, saying it would allow him to process suicide bombers in much less time, so he could get on with the business of burning them forever, which would save on heating bills.

"Have you seen the price of crude oil?" he asked, adding, "Boy are we gonna have fun with the oil execs when they get here... You should see our white collar section. It's filling up almost as fast as the suicide bombers."

Hell has a white-collar section?

"Hell yes!" Satan exclaimed. "At Camp Enron we torture them in different ways. Make 'em take art appreciation classes, ethics seminars. That kind of stuff."

Who was the most famous resident in white collar hell?  

"I'll give you three guesses. And the first two don't count," laughed the Devil. "Ken Lay sends his regards."