What is this guy's problem? - CoverUps.com

John McClellan, 34, married and the father of two gifted boys; Sean, 3; Mark, 4; and one genius girl, Lisa, 5. McClellan is perpetually angry and nobody knows why. He has nothing to be angry about. He has a problem, but experts can't figure out what his problem is.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

RIVERSIDE COUNTY, Calif. - John McClellan has a problem, but the problem is nobody knows what it is. That in a sense makes it an especially vexing problem for the all the so-called experts. CoverUps.com reports on a man who simply can't be happy.

"Yeah, I got a problem," McClellan says often, "A big problem!"

CoverUps.com examined the life of John McClellan to see what that problem might be. We discovered that he really shouldn't have any problems. His life is close to perfect.

His children are all gifted geniuses. His wife is a super model that believes in the old-fashioned role of motherhood and encourages her husband's polygamous life style. His job managing a team of computer hardware sales professionals brings him a six-figure income. He won a free car last year at a fireman's raffle; hit the lottery five times pocketing a total of $4.5 million. He punched out a guy's teeth once and the Tooth Fairy left money under his pillow the next day. His investment portfolio is through the roof and his wife clams he is blessed with the tools of a porn star and the stamina of Indy 500 stock car. Every year the team he decides to root for wins the Super Bowl. His prayers are even answered by God. Nonetheless, his attitude is still piss poor.

McClellan often shows up to work hung-over. Another problem is that he doesn't drink. So, how can he be hung-over? What is he hung-over from?

We turned to clinical experts to explain his glum and dour personality.

Dr. Paul George, the director of clinical psychology at Corona Regional Medical Center, said there is absolutely no reason why this man is an unhappy as he appears to be. George checked all the books and reviewed Mr. McClellan's case history exhaustively. George couldn't find one bad thing that ever happened to Mr. McClellan that might trigger his negative attitude towards life. In fact, he apt to call him one of the luckiest people he has ever studied, he said.

Still, if you ask McClellan how things are going you are apt to hear one of several responses:

"Go F__ yourself."

"Piss off."

"You got a problem?"

"What did stupid just say?"

McClellan appears to be forgetful, however, no one can ever remember him forgetting anything and he is reported to have a photographic memory (8 Mega Pixels, too, with an 8x zoom lens).

"In the end we are at a loss to explain his sullenness. It is like somebody is taking a perpetual dump in his bowl of Wheaties every day!" George said. "We can't explain why. The man should be happy."

For what it's worth, CoverUps.com offers our own possible explanation, though admittedly less scientific in nature:

John McClellan is simply an asshole.

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)