McLiposcution Coming Soon – CoverUps.com
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Would drive-thru liposuction really help the nation deal with an obesity epidemic, that is only getting fatter? McDonald’s seems to think so. If successful, Wendy’s plans to follow similarly, by offering drive-thru dental services at their pick up window. |
By Scratch De Reno
CoverUps.com InvestigatorACROSS THE GREAT U.S.of A. – In an unprecedented move in the fast food industry, McDonald’s Corporation has decided that the only way to truly counter critics of their food product’s massive fat content is not by cutting the fat from the food, but actually cutting it from the customer after they eat it!
They want to continue to market their greasy, cheap food products by offering liposuction in the drive-thru. They are very excited about the new program called McLiposuction, which plans to test market in select suburban markets early next year.
“I am pleased to announce we will be the first fast food chain to offer liposuction in the drive- thru,” said Cory Pickle, communications director for McDonalds. “We think this will be a big, big deal. McLiposuction will suck the hamburger right off your waist, moments after you ate it.”
Pickle said they plan making the service available by adding an additional window shortly after you pick up your food.
“In fact, to keep the recyclers happy, we are using the container for your food, to dispose your unwanted fat. Then, you simply drop the whole thing in our McBiowaste Incinerator, another innovation.”
Pickle smiled like a proud father. “You enjoy a tasty meal and it has zero effect on your waist? What more could you ask in a heart-clogging hamburger?”
“The idea is to allow our customers to eat like pigs, and then once they are done gorging, they get the fat sucked out of them. It is all about having a fat neutral binge experience,” Pickle added.
McLiposcution is drawing mixed reviews from across the fast food industry.
Jared, the fat guy gone skinny, from Subway was pissed off at the idea.
“I recently bought a lot of stock in Subway Sandwiches,” he said. “We don’t resort to gimmicks like that. We just hold up my fat pants before I start eating Subway sandwiches. Which, by the way, have six with under six grams of fat! Did you hear that – six under six? It could be you.”
(And you might be “six under” if you continue to pester us you annoying prick).
We wanted to get the opinion of the Burger King “King” but he was busted on last week’s episode of "To Catch a Predator."
We asked the red-headed “Wendy” but no luck there too; the tramp just smiled saying “I’m thinking Arby’s.”
Our phone call to the retired Chihuahua dog of “Yo, quiero Taco Bell” fame was left unreturned. Sadly, we learned that the out-of-work dog signed on to make some money with Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennels. Nobody has seen him since.
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