Certified Pre-Owned Spouses
Gaining in Popularity - CoverUps.com

Amanda Bowers, 36, a divorcee, living in Chicago, is looking to find a good man.  She has not had much luck finding one until she underwent the Certified Pre-Owned Spouse program by Once Bitten, Twice Shy, Inc.

ACROSS THE U.S. - With the advent of the Certified Pre-Owned automobile market, where many once-driven or leased automobiles undergo a rigorous inspection, the reliability of used cars has never been greater.  Now, the trend is catching on in personals matchmaking, especially among divorcees.  A company called Once Bitten, Twice Shy, Inc. is now “certifying” so-called “once-driven” spouses who are still low on miles and can have a lot of “mileage” for years to come.

Terry MacDaddy, president of Once Bitten, Twice Shy, says the customer response has been overwhelming. 

"Never in a million years would we think there would be such a strong market for our certified pre-owned spouses," he said.  “I mean, people don't want a junker or a lemon for a spouse that might have been around the block already."

Case in point: Amanda Bowers, 36, a divorcee in Chicago looking for a good man. 

To do so, Bowers underwent a vigorous 172-point inspection, which included a mental history check, eating and weight habit check, spending habit check, emotional stability control, and sexual equipment functionality check (personally administered by MacDaddy).  Additionally, her OBY/GYN confirmed that she had her “oil changed” as mandated by good personal hygiene practices (we have no idea what that means).  

Bowers comes with a warranty that states if things don’t work out with her, Once Bitten, Twice Shy will pay for her next divorce and any bills she ran up.  Plus, they foot the bill for “interim booty insurance” free of charge until they can find a Pre-Owned Spouse that meets their customer's satisfaction.

Claude Durian, 32, was cleared on charges by his ex–wife that he was mentally unstable and a problem drinker.  He is looking to rebound but has found it difficult since his ex-wife’s allegations that he was a wreck both personally and professionally.  Now, after undergoing the Certified Pre-Owned Spouse Program by Once Bitten Twice Shy, he has many more girls interested in dating him again.  He has a clean Spousal History which has made him very appealing to many more potential mates.

MacDaddy said that he was inspired to start the Certified Pre-Owned Program when he traded in his Chrysler Mini-Van for a Certified Pre-Owned BMW 325i. 

"I hated driving that big bloated paean to suburban comfort," McDaddy said.  “I wanted something a little sporty – put some zip back in my life…  However, I wanted a dependable car, not something that was bound to break down time and again.  It got me thinking that boy it would be nice to take the guesswork out of a selecting a new wife too.”

He said his first wife "went lesbo" and divorced him after only three years of "hell on Earth." Moreover, he said she had an ass like his Town & Country.  His new wife is a sports car by comparison, he said.

MacDaddy said that not only do all Ex-Spouses at Once Bitten, Twice Shy undergo a rigorous 172-point inspection; they are absolutely guaranteed not to go gay on you.  He added that women like the Certified Pre-Owned Ex-Spouses better than men.

"I had a lady in here the other day looking at John Selig, a well-endowed mountain biking enthusiast and recent divorcee with low mental mileage abuse," MacDaddy said.  "Boy, you should have seen the smile on her face when she brought him back from his test drive."  

Dawn Peters, 36, a Certified Pre-Owned Spouse, has found many more suitors now that her red flags have all been negated with her certified pre-owned status.  Once described by her Ex as “Satan’s Sister”, she is now finding it much easier to meet good men.  It's all because of her CPO Ex-Spouse status.

MacDaddy said a lot of clients are impressed with the specs they get on their new potential spouses.

Conversely, he said, all males come with a complete PigChex History.  He said this allows women a detailed report of all of the times their new potential mate has done something which "would warrant calling him a pig." 

"I advise all women," he said, "Don't ever commit to a divorcee again until you've obtained a PigChex.  You need to know who they all did and under what circumstances."

"Hey, this lady was in here the other day looking at some recent divorcee," McDaddy said.  "She was concerned because he had a lot of dings on his PigChex History, but it was mostly back in college.  Nothing really out of the norm.  It's like highway driving if you ask me."