Stranded Chinese Spy Trades U.S. Military
Secrets for Flight Upgrade - CoverUps.com
By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com InvestigatorSAN FRANCISCO - No one batted an eye at San Francisco International Airport as Chinese researcher, Xu Shikai, dejectedly took a set having missed his connecting flight on Air China to Beijing. After all, this followed on the heels of missing Chinese president Hu Jintao's private jet out of Washington, D.C., the primary reason he was forced to take public transportation all the way back home.
Tired and exasperated, it was his third connecting flight in as many days, with one more leg overseas to come. At this point, the headaches of the airport system finally caught up with him: Discovering his last flight had been overbooked and he would have to wait until the following day to depart, he decided to offer stolen U.S. Military secrets for a first class seat on the overbooked plane.
"I really couldn't' believe it," said Peggy Spellman, Transportation Security Administration baggage screener. "He opened up his briefcase and handed me hundreds of pages of blue prints and engineering diagrams, stuff he claims would fetch top dollar on eBay. He said he would do anything for a seat on the next plane to Beijing. He was at his wits end."
Spellman notified the Office of Homeland Security. When no one answered the phone, she called the local cops. They promptly arrested Shikai on suspicions of espionage and a more serious charge of smoking in a smoke free environment.
CoverUps learned the whole story: it was enough to make the most seasoned travel contemplate parachuting with an anvil.
An integral part of People's Republic of China President Hu Jintao's entourage, Shikai had met with President Bush earlier in the week on a fact finding trip.
"We helped the President establish all sorts of fact-like one plus one equals two, and so forth," Shikai said.
Shortly before President Jintao's flight home, however, Shikai had forgotten his debit card was used as a deposit on the Lincoln Bedroom for the going away toga party. Shikai went back to the Oval Office in the hopes of getting it back before the flight left. President Jintao's group forgot about him and took off without him, leaving him at the mercy of the U.S. transportation.
Xiu Shikai was caught with blueprints for the world's most dangerous weapon.
Once thought to be hypothetical, schematic drawings for the Axis of Evil Eliminator Machine, is thought to be nearing production stage.
The next three flights from Dulles Airport were delayed due to mechanical problems, hung-over pilots and bomb threats. Then, finally making it to San Francisco, he discovered his final flight to mainland China had been overbooked. Not willing to wait another day longer, he produced blueprints to the theoretical Axis of Evil Eliminator Machine, which he allegedly stole while at the White House. But, Shikai said he simply found the plans underneath a pile of barbecue cooking books and bass fishing magazines. He thought he could bribe his way home using the plans as currency.
"Bribing seems to work well in Washington, so I figured the U.S. air transportation system would be no different," said a tired Shikai. "Oh, well, it was worth a shot," he sighed.
As a gesture of good will, The Office of Homeland Security made copies of the documents and sent them International Priority Overnight via FedEx Express to Beijing, ensuring the documents made it into their intended hands.
"Hey, we get more money from the Chinese than our own tax payers," said Homeland Security Deputy Director and Adult Friend Finder member, Michael I. Jackoff. "The last thing we need is another group of immigrants protesting in our streets."
Shikai's grueling trip was not all bad.
Due to a paperwork mix-up, Shikai was surprised to discover he had become a naturalized U.S. citizen during his arraignment on espionage charges. Perhaps as a sign of the times, however, the benefits of U.S. citizenship seemed lost on Shikai.
"Not sure what that does for me? I guess I can now sign up for Netflix or something."
(E-Mail Silly Suggestions / Silly Questions to SILLY@CoverUps.com)
BACK TO: Silly International CoverUps Index |
