London reintroduces medieval armor in
attempt to scare terrorists – CoverUps.com
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This new riot gear (originally circa 1400 AD) will debut in the streets of London early next year, the idea being to instill fear in the Allahu Akbar Crowd. From the same fun bunch responsible for that old classic “hanged, drawn and quartered” problem-solver, aka “The William Wallace Special.” Do we live in interesting times or what? |
By Matthew “Scratch” De Reno
CoverUps InvestigatorLONDON, United Kingdom – The cream of London’s intellectual elite met recently with U.K. Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott and Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly, to brainstorm new and creative solutions to the whole “God-is-Great-I’m-Gonna-Cut-Off-Your-Head” fracas with radical Islamism. The first recommendation from the smart guys has now seen the light of day, thanks to a little investigative digging by CoverUps: bring back medieval armor.
Despite fierce public whining from civil rights groups, Ms. Kelly stands by her idea to replace the traditional Billy club with the iron mace and studded shield.
“It is really not as drastic a change as one might think,” said Ms. Kelly. “It is just a reminder that radical terrorists are not the only ones that can be brutal.”
Ms. Kelly claims she was inspired by the landmark Quentin Tarantino film, Pulp Fiction. She recalls with fondness the scene where a crime lord, Marcellus Wallace, admonishes a gang of gay rapists, and calls for a bunch of ‘pipe-hitting n-s to get medieval on yo ass.”
“As I was watching the film for the twentieth time last week, something about getting ‘medieval on one’s ass’ caught my attention,” Ms. Ruth said. “I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I was on to something.”
In another nod to the movie, Ruth is calling the program “Getting Medieval on Terrorism.” And medieval armaments are only the start, she said.
Still, civil rights groups claim the program is meant to intimidate law-abiding British Muslims.
Nothing could be further from the truth, Ms. Ruth claims.
“It’s all about getting medieval on a something, be it a terrorist, too much fat in your diet, or a drinking problem,” she said. “We’re only saying such problems will be dealt with brutally. I really don’t understand what all the fuss is about.”
Just the other day, for instance, Ms. Ruth was working out at the gym when a woman doing sit-ups next to her said emphatically that she was getting “medieval on flab.”
So what’s in store for terrorists who don’t get with the program?
She paused, and then said “I guess we bring out the gimp.”
(Scratch De Reno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)
