Llama Was front runner to be next
United Nations Secretary General – CoverUps.com

Jorge, a llama from Machu Pichu, Peru, was once considered the front runner in behind-the-scenes infighting to replace Kofi Annan as Secretary General of the beleaguered United Nations. They are shown here on Annan's last day leading the UN.

By Matthew “Scratch” De Reno
CoverUps Investigator

NEW YORK – Newly-discovered files in the personal archives of Kofi Annan have revealed that the former UN Secretary-General wanted to be succeeded by a Peruvian llama named Jorge. Only a fierce power struggle that wracked the halls of the Turtle Bay bureaucracy prevented the bizarre plan from being implemented.

Prince Zeid al-Hussein, Jordan's U.N. envoy, and one of the contenders for the post that eventually went to Ban Ki Moon, was so miffed about it that he spoke of hiring an assassin to have the domesticated pack animal bumped off.

“I don’t know how this can be,” al-Hussein is said to have sputtered in a closed session of the Security Council. “Llamas have no diplomatic skills. They can’t talk, which means they can’t lie to the press or speak for hours at a time without saying anything. They are therefore totally unsuitable for work at the UN.”

But many other members of the Big Five, including China, approved of the succession plan. Annan himself made an impassioned plea for Jorge.

“This llama has shown an uncanny ability to get to the root of long-standing international conflicts,” Annan said, while Jorge stood beside him chewing his cud. “Jorge has developed an ingenious plan for a reconciliation between Jews, Muslims and Christians the world over. It’s called the “Bahhhh” plan.”

Jorge dined with President Bush and Ban-Ki-Moon at a recent state dinner at the UN.

“What Jorge came up with was simply brilliant,” said Brian Urquhart, a former Under Secretary-General, in a recent exclusive CoverUps interview. “His plans for world peace were far more practical than anything being bandied about now. We should’ve gone with the llama. No offense to Ban Ki Moon.”

But the UN, like most organizations, is ruled by custom and prejudice. At the last minute, the delegates of Turtle Bay turned away from handing the reigns of power over to this gentle-tempered member of the camel family, and elected Ban Ki Moon in a series of secret ballots. Jorge himself conceded gracefully, congratulating “Bahhhh”n Ki Moon on his victory.

U.S. Ambassador John Bolton, long-resigned from the UN after his recess appointment from President Bush expired, was reflective.

“There are a lot of animals on this planet,” he told CoverUps. “Perhaps it’s time their points of view be considered. I wouldn’t rule out the idea of turning over a major political institution like the UN to llamas. Take Jorge. He has no ideology. No political party. No connections. He’s simply a dumb animal – and that’s not an insult. What did all of Kofi Annan’s smarts get him? The Oil For Food scandal. The Peace Keeper sex scandals. The global warming farce. No action in Darfur. Hell, Jorge could’ve done better than that.”

(Scratch DeReno can be reach at Scratch@CoverUps.com)