New U.S. Navy Boat takes
Middle East by surprise – CoverUps.com
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The newly commissioned Naval vessel USS Raiders of the Lost Ark leaves the port of Pascagoula, Mississippi and heads out to sea. Built by Northrop Grumman Ship Systems, The Raiders of the Lost Ark is an amphibious assault ship built to look like an ancient Egyptian boat. It was inspired by the movie Raiders of the Lost Ark, the one where the Nazis’ faces are melted by the Jewish ghosts at the end. Not the dopey Temple o’ Doom flick with the whiney blonde babe and the disgusting scene with the eyeball soup, and not the third movie with Sean O’Connery and the Nazi chick. Nope, it was inspired by the first movie, you know, the one with the giant boulder that almost crushes Indy, and the Nazi monkey that goes ‘Zig Heil’, and remember the scene where Indy just shoots the guy with the giant sword ... |
By Matthew “Scratch” De Reno
CoverUps InvestigatorPASCAGOULA, Miss. — The latest addition to the US Navy’s fleet is an ultramodern ship deceptively built to look like an ancient Egyptian wood boat. Military pundits are shaking their heads at this latest addition to the US Navy’s formidable seafaring arsenal, which was christened the USS Raiders of the Lost Ark.
“I guess we have to give ‘em credit for out-of-the-boat thinking,” quipped Jane’s Naval Analyst Ed Docherty. “Still it is quite an unusual boat and the name befuddles many. But perhaps that is the intent. Perhaps it will confuse the seafaring vessels and even the land-based defense systems of our enemies. It would in that sense make a great assault ship.”
The USS Raiders of the Lost Ark departed Pascagoula on 7 July 2006 and promptly set a course for somewhere near the Mediterranean Sea. Its five year mission, should it choose to accept it, is to “find the lost Ark” and have all sorts of zany adventures along the way, blowing up terrorists holed up in some of the most savage outposts all over the world. Pentagon officials will monitor its progress along the way using a thick animated red line on a cool-looking, old-fashioned map drawn in the style of classic Hollywood adventure movies.
Says mass communications specialists 2nd Class, Rosario Lisbon:
“The USS Raiders of the Lost Ark, though it may seem like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Float, is in fact one of the most dangerous and technically sophisticated ships on the high seas. Its first assignment, which is highly classified, will be a three-hour cruise, a three-hour cruise, to join Task Force Bravo near Lebanon as part of a peacekeeping force. If the weather starts getting rough, and the ship finds itself getting tossed, we’ll have to depend on the courage of the fearless crew, or the USS Raiders of the Lost Ark will be lost ... ”
A marvel of modern technology, the USS Raiders of the Lost Ark comes nicely equipped with 4 Mk 38 Mode 1 25 mm Bushmaster cannons, 5 M2HB .50 caliber machine guns, 6 I-pods, 2 Mk 15 Phalanx Close In Weapon Systems (CIWS), 2 Mk 49 RAM launchers, 10 Nintendo Wiis and one 52” Plasma TV for the captain’s quarters.
Capt. Larry Jones, who is already being called “Indiana” by his crew-mates, joked that “It’ll be fun seeing what this bad boy can do on the high seas. Let me see them terrorists try to float something up this thing. It will roast the swastikas right off their asses,” he said.
We reminded Capt. Jones that radical Islamists are not the same as Nazis.
“Aww, close enough!” he laughed. “If you squint hard enough you can’t tell the difference.”
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