Al Qaeda Creates "Secret Sama" Program - CoverUps.com
Al Qaeda has adapted the western practice of creating a "secret Santa" gift-sharing program in an effort to boost organizational morale and recruitment. The results have been mixed: one terrorist scumbag liked his gift, but another guy accidentally blew himself up with his present. THIRD CAVE ON THE LEFT AT THE AFGHANISTAN-PAKISTAN BORDER - In an un-screened video given to Al Jazeera, burned, ripped and hand delivered to CNN, it would appear that Al Qaeda, in an attempt to boast dwindling recruit morale during the upcoming holiday shopping and mass carnage season, has mirrored the Western practice of creating a "Secret Santa" gift exchange program. Only theirs will be called "Secret Sama," in apparent homage to that skinny idiot maniac, the Where's Waldo atop Bush's evil-doer list, Osama Bin Laden.
"It is most unusual to see Al Qaeda duplicate what it deems the West does extremely well," said Salim Akyol, a middle-aged terrorism expert based in Milwaukee who has been blogging about terrorism and Al Qaeda since last Thursday (shortly after figuring out the parental password control on his parent's Dell Inspiron Notebook). "Al Qaeda sees that cheap Christmas programs mandated by corporate HR departments are a cost-free method to boost morale while not blowing up the budget (no pun intended)."
Akyol also said Al Qaeda was hard pressed to come up with a something like a "Secret Santa" and admired the team building skills it encouraged among many American blue and white collar laborers. They thought it might be a useful tool in helping encourage team suicide.
We asked Akyol how he knew so much about the inner workings of Al Qaeda, despite living at home with his parents in the suburbs of Milwaukee.
"My uncle joined up a couple years ago," said Akyol honestly. "He became disillusioned and quit... Let us leave it at that."
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Akyol's Uncle Ibn Khaldun quit Al Qaeda's "Secret Sama" program and Al Qaeda for that matter. He became disillusioned when the guy who had his name, Abu Musab Al Zarqawi, was killed last year by the U.S. Military. He spent 5 bucks more than the recommended 20-dollar gift amount. Now he's stuck with a 25 dollar dollar gift certificate from a local Applebee's Restaurant.
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Akyol explained that his uncle's name, unfortunately, was drawn by Abu Musab Al Zarqawi, who was to buy him a self-detonating bomb belt. His uncle never got the gift, when the U.S. Military curtailed Zarqawi's holiday plans by dropping a laser-guided present from Uncle Sam on his fake Christmas tree.
"I guess after my Uncle's Secret Sama got blown up," Akyol told CoverUps.com, "he had a change of heart. Or, he grew a heart. I don't think any of those bastards have them to begin with. Oh well, at least I like the chicken fingers at Applebee's."
(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)
