Chicago Police Department
Spices Things Up– CoverUps.com
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Widely perceived as |
By Fredricka Kozlowski
CoverUps Investigative ReporterTHE WINDY CITY – Cool new breezes in town are bringing exciting new changes to The Law. New vehicles, new uniforms, new guns, even an extensive remodel of precinct stations, are on the way, probably in late 2008. The makeover is part of a new city campaign to improve the quantity and quality of police recruits, bring about more cooperation from the community, decrease crime, and increase the cooperation of arrestees.
“If people are being chased by buxom, attractive police-women, for instance – well, maybe they won’t want to be chased,” Det. Craig Pollard told us. “In truth that actually sounds more than a little appealing. ”
But long-time Chief Dirk Branton had another opinion:“It degrades the force and makes a mockery of our officers,” he grumbled. “I stand by that opinion. But if this is what the city wants, we have no choice here in the department but to put up with it. But I’m not taking flack for it. The citizens of Chicago will just have to pay the price. Do they really want to pay higher taxes so that the criminal element can be chased by well-endowed policewomen?” he asked Coverups in an exclusive interview.
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One of the standard uniforms under the new makeover. Officer I.M. Dunn told local papers the uniform was “actually more comfortable than it looked.” |
Precinct makeovers will emphasize contemporary interior design. Controlled studies with chimpanzees in Europe say the new designs improve work productivity and promote improved mood and self-esteem.
As for jail cells, they will retain their traditional use of bars and minimal accommodations. Some sources claim cell walls will feature a wide assortment of unpleasant new colors.
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Even K9s on the force are getting a makeover. This police dog in training is one of several mascots visiting Chicago’s schools to convince kids that being a police officer can be fun and stylish, or, if that’s too much of a stretch, that it’s a good idea to avoid a life of crime. |
Another aspect of the new, sizzling cruisers is the likely increase in road-hazard awareness they will inspire in the officers who drive them. Avoiding accidents while rushing to crime scenes or chasing suspects will not only improve driving habits, but make for more highly skilled drivers, thus increasing efficiency department-wide. And no one wants to wreck these nice cars. Not even the criminals.
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