Who left this hat? – CoverUps.com

A mysterious hat on the beach has Hawaiians all a-tizzy in search of an explanation. Who does it belong to? Some say tourists, some say locals – but still others claim aliens. Yes, aliens. Some now believe extraterrestrial visitors, sick of humanity's appallingly bad fashion sense, have finally had enough.

 

By Fredericka Kozlowski
CoverUps Investigative Reporter

Kaui, Hawaii. This unspoiled stretch of beach has lately been the site of many paranormal phenomena – and it's getting locals and tourists alike worked up into a flurry. Inexplicable sightings have sparked rumors running rampant on the islands. Jack Fontaine, local bar owner, claims he saw bright lights late one night last July. The next morning, beach security found a dresser full of clothes. The same thing happened to Katrina Terrasaki, a visitor to the island, right outside her hotel room. Late last August, Katrina was awakened by loud, bright flashes, and looked out over her balcony to find a pair of $700 shoes.

“It was almost as if they were a gift," she recalled. "I couldn’t believe anyone leaving, let alone having these shoes at the beach. They were very impractical, and extremely good looking. I still have them, and whenever I wear them out, it's like I'm a magnet – people approach me from all directions to compliment me on how amazing they look.”

Alien enthusiast Kevin Hofford has been following this  story for months. He came to CoverUps to sell it to us. Now that we've published it, he's promised not to call us anymore. We're going to hold you to that, Kevin.

None of this comes as news to Kevin Hofford.

“They're back, in a big way," he said, sitting in his padded cell. "None of this experimental garbage people've been hollering about. They're leaving articles of clothes, shoes, pants, belts, hats, shirts, entire wardrobes sometimes. Wanna know what I think? I think they're sick of our style. America is full of slobs in sweatpants, baggy shirts, stained jackets – it’s disgusting. And it doesn’t stop there. You've got women flaunting themselves around half naked, most of the time flattering nothing. Or they think flowered sweaters and big purple sweatshirts with dogs on them are still okay to wear in public. Then there are teenagers with the most offensive shirts I've seen in a long time – ‘daddy’s princess’ and ‘pornstar’ – and other obscene, suggestive phrases. I’m not even going to go into the low-rise pants. Studies have shown Americans look good only 15% of the time. But who’s to say what's good? Based on these statistics, certainly not us. I've got to go now. It's time for my thorazine. ”

With a whole network dedicated to style, with TV schedules glutted with wardrobe makeover shows, our defenses for the coming fashion judgment day don't look good. With wardrobe styles being recycled again and again,  too much bad fashion isn't getting weeded out. Today's fashion tastes are also highly questionable – and the tidings aren't good for the intergalactic verdict.

Reports of sightings have increased almost exponentially in the last two years. Hoffoard claims much of it can be attributed to the Paris Hilton effect, with otherwise-decent looking girls “turning to the dark side and taking their fashion cues from Skanktown.”

Instead of asking to be taken to our leader, don't be surprised if our interstellar visitors ask to be taken to our wardrobe designer.