Surly grandmother says she doesn't
care who likes her pies – CoverUps.com
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Beatrice Munson, baker, home-maker, mother of 4 and grandmother of 6, has not been herself lately. |
CoverUps reports on a disturbing trend affecting what’s left of the American nuclear family. Turns out our kindly elderly folk are no longer putting up with decades of excrement from their children …
By Matthew “Scratch” De Reno
CoverUps InvestigatorBANGOR, Maine —Every Christmas season the Munson family comes from all corners of the country to gather round the dinner table of 75 year-old matriarch Beatrice Munson. She slaves all the live-long day in the kitchen to feed three generations of her offspring and expects so little in return damn it – how about some appreciation? Some gratitude perhaps? Is that asking so much???
Alas, recent comments from ungrateful relatives and family members have finally eroded the last vestiges of her long-tried patience, and caused the poor woman to flip out and launch into vicious tirades at whoever happens to be near her at the time.
“My son Charles – what a piece of work,” she told CoverUps in a recent interview. “Forty years he shows up here every Christmas for free meals, and he has the temerity to complain about the quality of my pies.”
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Charles Munson, 46. Things finally came to a head for the twice-divorced accountant when he told his mom that her cherry pie should be banned under the Geneva Convention and would probably get more detainees at Gitmo to confess than waterboarding. |
Well, at least she can take solace in her daughters, Lois and Megan.
“They never let me down,” Granny said. “They always stayed by my side.”
“‘Never let you down,’ gimme a break ma – they never moved out!” Charles said, picking his teeth after chewing on a piece of pot-roast. “And they’re each on their third husband ...”
“They’d only be on their second if it wasn’t for you!” Granny hissed.
“How many times do I have to tell you, that trip to Utah was work-related,” Charles sputtered. “It was a spreadsheet seminar.
“You spread the sheets alright,” Granny muttered. “You turned my beloved daughters into a couple of crumpets!”
“Strumpets, ma! I turned them into Strumpets!” Charles shouted, exasperated.
Granny Munson said she was no longer maintaining her decades-long self-imposed moratorium on criticizing her children – not if they insisted on casting aspersions on her pies.
“Ever since that spat back in ‘87, I chose to hold my tongue,” she said, referring to an episode near the end of the Reagan Administration, some time around the Iran-Contra hearings, when she lambasted her son Jeff for being nothing more than a malingering louse and a burden on society.
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Jeff Munson, still recovering from a tragic grocery-store accident. Send your tax-deductible cash donations to CoverUps.com. |
“C’mon, ma, I got a bum arm,” he’d said, before throwing a barbell at her.Jeff worked for Alpha Beta as Alan Hamel’s personal stock clerk before being tragically injured by a box of falling ketchup.
“Your father, God rest his soul, would have puked at the thought of you pretending to be hurt all this time,” Granny said, shaking her head.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Jeff belched.
“Your father was a great man!” Granny declared. “He killed 20 Nazis— thirty years after the war ended!”
Charles became combative when Granny attacked him for criticizing her pies. “I think my father, may he rest in peace, would have been proud. He may have got twenty Nazis, but I think maybe he missed one...”
CoverUps is staying out of this one, but for the record, we think the pie was ... er, uh ...
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