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About Santa and His Origins – CoverUps.com

Texas = Santa's South Pole: Everyone knows that Santa resides comfortably in the North Pole betwixt fireplace, cookies, milk, and the lovely Mrs. Clause. Though the famous legend of 'Santa and his list' tends to die out with prematurely jaded children, it remains an intriguing concept to the terminally boneheaded and to those still willing to believe in the good ol’ Clause (Statistics show most children stop believing in Santa around age 7). Determined to unveil the truth behind the bearded man and his list of good and bad children, we wrote to the North Pole and delivered it express mail via the Reindeer Express ($12.25 S/H), and received earth-shattering news about Santa and his origins only a few days later.

Santa gearing up for another tour around his Texan hometown (c. 1945)

With his good elf Doby bearing the good news, one of our lucky journalists would be invited back to the North Pole for a personal interview with Santa himself. But who should it be? Extending his hand Doby presented CoverUps.com with a document that looked more or less like a list. Sure enough there were all the names of the employees at CoverUps.com and next to our names was a check in one of two columns: naughty or nice. The two 'nice' employees rock-paper-scissored (best of 2 out of 3) for the honor and was sent quickly off via Doby’s personal taxi; the noble steed Rudolph.

While joining Santa in the frosty Eden of the North Pole our journalist discovered that Santa, as hard as it may be to believe, is actually from Texas! That’s right. Santa was a fish out of water who grew up among gun-slinging 'partners' and "stale beer", as he would say. Below is a copy of the interview that our journalist conducted. You won’t believe your eyes: (Santa the hick: who would have guessed it?)

CoverUps.com: Ok Santa, let's start off small. What is your birth name?

Santa: My birth name my dear is Nicholai Jebediah Jones.

CoverUps.com: Jones? Why Santa that's mighty American alright.

Santa: Yes dear, it is just that.

CoverUps.com: So Santa, where were you born?

Santa: Actually my dear I was born in a little town called Waco, Texas.

CoverUps.com: Texas, wow! And Waco? What’s your opinion about your hometown?

Santa: Too damn hot! (Santa excuses his language). Honestly there tweren't nearly 'nough to do 'cept shoot stuff. What's more, all they served was beer and I just wanted to find some place cold enough where I could make snowmen and drink me some pipin' hot chocolate.

CoverUps.com: Ahh, so that’s why the move to the North Pole.

Santa: Yeah. Here its cold, comfy, and I could set up shop and no-one would know.

CoverUps.com: What type of shop?

Santa: My toy shop child! Don’t you know nothin?' (Note the Southern drawl.) I originally started my business in Texas, but that didn’t go over too well. It was too hot and I would sweat my kiester off making toys for kids when all they wanted was slingshots and guns.

CoverUps.com: So you moved to the North Pole where no one could buy your toys?

Santa: No child! I moved to the North Pole so I could work comfortably. I brought along Mrs. Clause, and she recruited all them worker elves for me factory. As the years passed, they married, conceived, and added to the labor count. Of course they all love it up here and I myself must say they are the greatest workers, doin’ all this for free just to see the good boys and girls laugh and smile once a year.

CoverUps.com: I see. So when did you move up to the North Pole?

Santa: When I was 26.

CoverUps.com: And how long ago was that?

Santa: Oh my dear, too long to count my child, too long to count!

CoverUps.com: So how old are you now?

Santa: Oh child, same answer as last I suppose. They say this cold weather makes a man, uh, uh, what’s the word? Indefatigable, yes that's it. I guess that means I’m a goin' to live 'til I’m very, very old. Don't right yet know if they'll let me die. I have a feelin’ I was put on this here earth to be here a long while yet, yes child, a long while yet.

CoverUps.com: Well Santa, what then do you like about living in the North Pole?

Santa: Everythin’ child, everythin.'

CoverUps.com: Ok. So what do/did you like about Texas?

Santa: My dear, tweren't nothin' in Texas for me but a place where I could dream of colder days to come. I don’t get nostalgic when I visit it every year; I ain’t there long enough, got too many places to go and too many children to see. Although I will admit, those numbers, the good children I mean, they have been waning quite a bit these past few decades. It's that damn TV and nonsense! But it don't mean a nothin' to me. Just fewer toys I have to make and more time I get to spend sippin’ my drinks and eatin’ my cookies.

CoverUps.com: One more question, Santa... Have I been nice?

Santa: Yes child. You might wanna have a good talk with them friends of yours down at your work place. I don't think I have that much coal!