SNOWMAN / Silly CoverUps

Plight of the Snowman - CoverUps.com

Snowmen are a poorly understood species. Recent studies have shown they exhibit many of the trademark characteristics of everyday cultures.

They have collective dreams, aspirations, fears, and yet they would not trade one single day for being snow man people, despite the sad melt factor which had prevented them from really developing into a modern society.

They even have a proud history fraught with the all the pitfalls and perils of any fledgling democracy. They are quite unique.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps Investigator

SNOWMENLAND AND CARROTNOSE - No two snowflakes are alike and so it goes with humans. However, easy to extract from that is the plight of the modern-day snowman: a being made up of countless little snowflakes none of which are alike and usually packed together by children. Surprisingly, we are not much different from snowmen and snowmen are not much different from us, CoverUps has learned.

CoverUps.com presents an exclusive holiday look at the little understood race of the the Snowman.

Snowmen live in Snowmanland, which is mostly situated in northern climes where it reaches below freezing. Naturally, there is lots of snow. Most hail from the barren (but oil-rich) North Pole region of the Earth. Carrotnose, is separated from the rest of the country of Snowmenland by a small part of Elfland. Carrotnose is narrow icy land, which rises to a high interior plateau with basically more ice, snow, caribou and an occasional nut-job trying to reach the North Pole by dog sled.

A Santa colony since the 15th century, Carrotnose was the source for millions of snowman forced across the world to yards of Christmas celebrators everywhere. Snowmenland won independence in 1963 after 14 years of guerrilla war with Santa's Elves. The Santanistas, a crack squad of elves similar to Navy Seals but armed with toy-making tools and fudge, were called in to quell the war and to find any WMMs (Weapons of Mass Melting). Their primary weapon was the snowball. In fact, little do most know that the world's largest snowball fight marked the great battle of The Wonderland War of 1964. During this violent confrontation, 30,000 snowmen were melted and pelted. 3,456 elves had their fudge packed (whatever that means?).

Civil war then broke out between major snowmen divisions. The civil war brought more snowshed (and economic collapse) as 300,000 snowmen fled and began cropping up in the yards of children everywhere.

After decades of internecine fighting, a peace agreement made elections possible in 2001 by the exhausting diplomatic efforts of Jack Frost. Shortly afterward, Santa worked out a reasonable deal with the Snowmen to bring them back into the fold of Christmas merrymaking. Their leader was the beloved Frosty the Snowman, who still is the elected president of the federal republic and presides over a congress of snowmen representatives till this day. Although, Frosty had come under the suspicions of Santa once again for his pursuit of Ice Maker technology, which Frosty claims is purely for peaceful purposes.

Snowmen are peaceful and God-fearing mythical creatures which have garnered the affections of world for many generations. Little is known about their histor. They are an amazingly complex and proud race.

MODERN CHALLENGES

Snowmen are uniquely rooted in the cold environment of the North Pole and dependent upon it for their existence. According to the U.S. EPA, Greenhouse gas concentrations in the atmosphere are predicted to increase during the next century and this could spell problems for Snowmenland.

Dr. Willhelm Hermann von Abich, a hard-drinking geologist living among the snowmen in Carrotnose:

"The smallest rise in overall temperature will decimate the snowmen population and we have to act now. I am seeing more and more puddles of water where once stood droves of snowmen."

Additionally, the increasing influx of cheaply-produced plastic products on the Christmas decoration market is having a detrimental effect on the snowmen. This too is having a negative effect on the modern-day snowmen population, said Darren Jorgenson (Chair of the World Socioeconomic Institute for Global Stuff) to CoverUps.com.

"Although exact numbers are not available," Jorgenson said, "there are less and less kids making real snowmen. Parents are buying their kids cheap plastic snowmen available from the local dollar store," Jorgenson said. "We need to reverse that trend, if we want to save the snowmen.

Depsite the Winter Wonderland fight with the Elves, 95-percent of all snowmen are pacifist and list "festooning a yard" as their single most desirable activity and reason for existence.

Most enjoy nothing more than donning mittens, scarves, a cap, buttons for eyes and a carrot for nose. They love to make children smile.

We asked Frosty the Snowman what it was that we as humans can do to help the ensure the survival of snowmen for future generations. His straightword answer left us with much to think about:

"Make snow, not war."

Merry Christmas!