Cow Violence On Rise;
Farmers Terrorized - CoverUps.com

Moodlums from the Chicago-based bovine "Bloody Steaks" gang. From left to right: Mad Cow, Moo-Murder and Milk Spilla.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

CHICAGO AREA -- In a disturbing rural trend, farmers across North America are falling prey to violent bovine gangs otherwise known as "moo-bangers." Farmhands are getting caught in the cross fire of an escalating and brutal turf war and becoming the objects of retribution themselves, CoverUps.com has learned.

Redneck Oral Stoops, 69, Lockport, IL, is one such victim now recovering from a brutal "graze-by" attack, whereby innocuously grazing cows suddenly rush a farmer's house leaving behind a violent path of terror and destruction.

Now a ward of the Illinois State Psychiatric Institute at Chicago, Stoops' life has become a daily struggle.

"I was reading my latest issue of Tractor and Plow when suddenly a group of cows thundered into my house… I screamed but they simply….ah, God…ah, ah…I can't… It was horrible…" Stoops cried. "I was gang milked… "

Oral Stoops was nearly milked to death by moo-bangers in March. He says he will never walk upright again -- or look at a butt-steak the same way.

T-Bone, the undisputed boss of the Slaughterhousers, a gang that defeated the Abattoir Clowns for supremacy of rural Chicago. The Slaughterhousers are now embroiled in a turf war with the Bucket Kickers of rural south Chicago.

We called Bovine Gang Task Force commander Lt. Sebastian Giorillo for his thoughts on the alarming rise in bovine violence.

"We all must band together," Lt. Giorillo said, espousing platitudes that never work when put into the real world. "We must put aside our individual differences and prejudices against cows, and work to make this a better place for us and them. They are merely crying out that they want to be heard and not herded."

Stoops disagrees that Moo-Bangers could ever be steered (no pun intended) down the right path again.

"When those bastard cows were done with me," he said, shaking his fist, "Moo-Murder looked me in the eyes and said- 'Got Milk Bitch!'"

Reformed moo-banger "Tooks" Cow Bell, founder of the Bucket Kickers, is awaiting the beef penalty on Illinois's Butcher's Row. He said Moo-Banging is dead wrong: "No matter which way you butcher it, you can't justify milking a farmer, no matter how many times you have been milked, tipped over or made to plow a field."

In 1981 Tooks was convicted of a chicken coup massacre that left twenty chickens dead and one pig traumatized. But, Tooks maintains his innocence and nowadays spends his time illustrating "Old McDonald" books. He claims to have suffered from a temporary bout of bovine spongiform encephalitis, or temporary mad cow disease that left him unable to recall the details of the chicken coup carnage.

Stoops doesn't buy it for a second.

"I would like to see all those bastard cows served well-done on a bun," Stoops said. "I already began my own book about moo-bangers; it will be found in the cooking section."

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)

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