Controversial Sport Stirs Debate – CoverUps.com
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The rise of competitive defenestration in the U.S. has drawn the ire of critics. Its defenders, like Jack Blackwards (above – and below, soon after this picture was taken) call it a wholesome alternative to video games. |
By Scoop Ellison
Investigative Reporter“You haven’t lived until you’ve been defenestrated,” says Olaf “Splat” Henderson. “To be hurled through the window of a building, to have your face cut by shards of glass, to see the pavement rushing up at you, to feel the bone-crushing smack of the sidewalk – how much more fun can a person have?”
As the Founder of the American Defenestration Society, Henderson knows whereof he speaks.
Interviewed by phone from the Intensive Care Unit at Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, where an ambulance took him after his recent plunge from the top floor of the Capitol Records building, Henderson reflected on his life, on the many fine orthopedic surgeons he’s met, and on the state of organized defenestration in this country.“If I’m not my usual chipper self, it’s the morphine,” said Henderson, 56, at the start of the interview.
He was 19 when he was first defenestered – from the fifth floor of a public housing high-rise in Chicago.“Let’s just say I was tardy making an important loan payment.”
The thugs who tossed Henderson through a closed window that day could never have imagined – and neither could Henderson – that the incident would lead him to his great calling (or screaming) in life, as he plummeted past the balconies of obscurity, down, down, down to the asphalt of fame far below.
Left for dead face-down on the hot midday pavement of a busy public street, Henderson had an epiphany.
“I suddenly realized that, except for the blood loss, the broken bones, and the passers-by picking my pockets, it was really an exhilarating experience.”
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Alleged loan shark Rico "Smiley" Blotto, long a suspect in the defenestration of Olaf Henderson, would not comment for this article. "On advice of counsel I have no comment on that window-jumping weasel," Blotto said. |
After an 18-month recuperation, Henderson emerged from the orthopedic rehab clinic a trifle worse for wear and aching to know whether the incident had truly transformed him spiritually – or had it just been a cheap thrill? There was only one way to find out.
Henderson embarked on a search for the thugs – and soon found them.
“They were about to rob a liquor store when I spotted them.” he recalled. “I limped up and got their attention, and reminded them of who I was. I told them I still owed them money. I said that not only would I never pay them back, but that I needed even more money now, and I wouldn’t pay that back either – and what the hell were they going to do about it?"
Since the encounter took place next to the 8-story Imperial Apartments tower, Henderson had a pretty good guess about what the hell they would do about it – and his hopes were soon confirmed when the enraged thugs postponed their robbery long enough to drag him by his feet through the lobby of the Imperial and up 8 flights of stairs, for a zestful replay of their first glass-shattering soiree.
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Olaf "Splat" Henderson enjoys a little rest and relaxation after a busy day defenestrating. |
“I remember thinking on the way down that – in addition to the concrete – I had hit upon a universal truth – that falling at high speed into hard surfaces is fun. And oddly reassuring. I mean – you gotta love the certainty of gravity. You can always count on it. Life is so terribly uncertain. Bosses can fire you, you can lose your health insurance, your wife and kids can stop visiting you in the hospital and walk out on you forever, cursing the day you were born – but gravity? Gravity’s your friend. Gravity’s your pal. Gravity never lets you down.”During his second convalescence, Henderson became convinced that defenestration had a bright future, and he had a key role to play in it. Like Johnny Appleseed, Henderson – or the "splatster" as his paramedic friends called him – was born to spread the news of defenestration wherever he could drag himself.
"No way was I just some lone nut job who got his kicks getting thrown out of buildings," Henderson said. "I think there’s a little defenestrator in everyone.”
Indeed, the more he looked, the more Henderson saw just how many other nut jobs there were all around him who shared his enthusiasm.
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East German terrorist Hans Gruber moonlighted as a defenestrator. His plunge from the Nakatome Plaza building in 1988 was, alas, his last. |
In no time at all organized defenestration caught on, with defenestrators happily allowing like-minded compatriots to hurl themselves out of tall buildings from coast to coast.Henderson is especially proud of the American Youth Defenestration Organization (AYDO), where children as young as five are introduced to the thrills of this unique sport.
“Some of the kids are afraid the first time (and the second, third and fourth), but it’s like anything else,” Henderson said. “I always tell them, competitive defenestration builds character – and some day they’ll appreciate that, if they make it to adulthood.”
Jack Blackwards, who some followers of the sport consider to be the Michael Jordan of defenestrators, says newcomers don't have to be intimidated.
“I’ve been thrown out of more windows than you can shake a crutch at,” he said. “It’s like that old Chinese proverb: a plummet of a thousand feet begins with the first step.”
“You don’t have to be the defenestratee the first time out. Most defenestrators get their start delivering the old heave-ho instead of receiving it. That’s how I started.”
Blackwards dismissed critics who call defenestration a deadly practice.
“The whole death and disfigurement thing is way over-hyped,” he said, adjusting his neck brace. “We’re all gonna die some day anyway. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather go out on my own terms – shrieking in terror and peeing my pants just before my face hits the pavement. With dignity, in other words.”
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| The Tolucca Lake Defenestrators Booster Club, holding its annual meeting. |
While defenestration is most decidedly a pursuit for the young, it does have its older adherents, especially among couples going through bitter divorces, the deeply depressed, and the clinically insane.
“That’s what I love about defenestration,” Henderson said. “It’s totally democratic. Anyone can do it. Young or old, black or white, firm or infirm (mostly the latter). You don’t need athletic ability. You don’t need expensive equipment. You can do it any time of year, in any kind of weather.”
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Annals of Defenestration, Part 1: the first defenestration of Prague. |
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| Annals of Defenestration, Part 2: the second defenestration of Prague. |
“All you need is gumption," Blackwards said. "And you don’t have to shoot for the big skyscrapers right away. You gotta crawl before you walk (and then crawl again). By all means, start with ground-floor windows and work your way up.”What does the future hold for competitive defenestration? Groups like Mothers Against Defenestration, Defenestrators Anonymous, and the Anti-Defenestration League are seeking bans in several states.
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"Defenestration is bad. Bad bad bad," says Agnes Spittle, Founder of the Anti-Defenestration League. |
But Henderson is optimistic.
“We’re organizing a Hobble on Washington next month to raise public awareness,” he said. “We figure the more people know about defenestration, the less they’ll object to it. Either that or they’ll think the whole thing’s so preposterous they must be dreaming, in which case they’ll probably just leave us alone. We’re also handing out free beer for everyone. Bans aren’t the answer anyway. They’d just drive the sport underground.”
But doesn’t that defeat the purpose?
“Do you have any idea how many caves and mine shafts there are in this great land of ours?” Henderson asked. “But it doesn’t have to come to that."
Others strike a more militant note:
“I’ll give up my right to defenestrate when you pry my cold dead fingers out of the concrete,” said Blackwards.
"What I would say to opponents of defenestration is just give it a chance," pleaded Henderson. "Don’t fall into some headlong rush to judgment. That’s stupid. Try defenestration before you condemn it. You might actually like it. You owe it to yourself to be thrown through that window of opportunity.”
 
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