Defiant Chicken Hangs Himself
Prior to Being KFC’d – CoverUps.com

Clucky Chucky, destined for a trans-fat-free family bucket of original-recipe KFC chicken, took matters into his own talons and ended it all late Tuesday. It is the first time ever, so far as our staff can tell, that livestock has committed suicide rather than contribute to the country's food supply.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

LEXINGTON, KY – In what is being billed as a defiant act on behalf of livestock everywhere, Clucky Chucky, a chicken destined for slaughter hung himself from the rafters overlooking the migrant workers there to pluck his feathers and send him off to an abattoir from which he was doomed to have never returned. His ultimate destination: KFC.

“This is really the first time we can ever remember livestock committing suicide to make a political statement,” said Dirk Fingerlicker, a representative for the chicken processing plant who had the grim task of cutting down the chicken.

“If it really had not wanted to be slaughtered, the chicken could have opted for an alternative existence in a petting zoo, though such reprieves are hardly common or granted. But, this is the last thing we wanted to see. I think the rest of the chickens are sufficiently vexed as to how this happened and why. They want answers, too. Clucky Chuck was very popular,” Fingerlicker said.

This chicken rejected its destiny as part of an extra crispy or original breast, wing and drumstick combo at KFC, said Fingerlicker. Instead, he committed a cowardly act by throwing his life away and depriving some fat slob of a good bucket of wings, he said.

After a brief moment of silence, we asked him if he thought the chicken’s act was reminiscent, perhaps, of suicide bombers bent on Jihad. After all, how else could one explain the kamikaze chicken?

“I believe they do have a lot in common with all those nut jobs over there in the Middle East,” Fingerlicker said. "They're all chickens!”

The company released a statement yesterday explaining the bad news: Clucky Chuck Unlucky. Also as a gesture out of respect for chickens, KFC has lowered its cholesterol levels to half mast.

(Scratch De Reno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)