Local Man Recycles Himself – CoverUps.com

Calvin Caldwell has thrown himself away. His friends don't know if it was an act of enlightenment, civil disobedience, or pure lunacy. Nobody has heard from him since the garbage truck hauled him away last week.

 

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

SAN DIEGO, CA – Calvin Caldwell, an office manger at LPL Financial Services decided to make not only a personal statement at work, but a political one as well, when in a bizarre act of corporate leadership, he recycled himself!

He put himself in the garbage can and waited outside until 4 days later when the recycling truck came to pick him up. No one has seen him since and not sure if they should call the FBI or simply the local sanitation authority.

Eva Gomez is distraught over her one time secret lover, Calvin Caldwell, who choose to recycle himself recently. An avowed emotional eater, she has since fallen off of her 'South Beach' diet.

“It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life,” said a stunned and tear-streaked Eva Gomez, who had an affair with Caldwell a year ago that ended when he nailed her in a utility closet. “I don’t know if it was because he was depressed or that he was just really into recycling. He was big into the environment, I know that. Oh, dear. I fear the worst.”

Gomez said the company has not heard from him ever since the recycling truck came and picked him up, along with all the other non-food contaminated garbage.

“We thought it was a big joke,” Gomez added. “But when the truck left and nobody heard from him, we started to really worry. Now we're despondent.”

We asked his wife, Felicity Caldwell, if it was true that her husband was depressed at the time he recycled himself or if it was simply the courageous act of a man who wanted to draw attention to the importance of recycling, in a world beset by global warming, the hole in the O-zone layer and the urine content at the local swimming pool.

Mrs. Caldwell was dismissive. "Why don't you just ask his girlfriend? She should know a thing or two about recycling because – she is trash after all.”

Police continue to hold out hope that Caldwell will turn up at a recycling plant soon. If not, donations in biodegradable envelopes can be mailed to the attention of Felicity Caldwell.

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