"Pumpkin Jacking" Predicted To
Rise This Halloween – CoverUps.com
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Most people would agree these kids are cute. But little would they realize that anyone foolish enough to open their front door to these demonc tykes risks the loss of their jack-o-lantern, all the way up to the complete destruction of their home, should they offer the wrong kind of candy. |
By "Scratch" De Reno
CoverUps.com InvestigatorACROSS THE U.S.A. – An alarming trend is on the rise this year that threatens to forever tarnish the age-old tradition of trick-or-treating on Halloween. It's called “Pumpkin Jacking” -- a brutal bum rush of chit-chattering youngsters who've been known to overwhelm all household defenses.
“It used to be that trick-or-treaters were pretty benign,” said Dade County Sheriff Wayne LaFarge, who expects to call the “Pumpkin Pie” Wagon a lot more this year. “Last year, there were some very ugly incidents. We still aren't over the carnage of the Clark Bar massacre from last Halloween. Pumpkins were jacked everywhere and countless houses were trashed. We have every reason to believe the trend is on the upswing.”
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Dade County Sheriff Wayne LaFarge says pumpkin-jacking is bad and getting worse. "We're still not over the carnage of the Clark Bar massacre last year on Halloween," he said. |
According to LaFarge, young trick-or-treaters brutally emptied a bucket of Clark Bars onto the street, where they were left to melt the next day. A year later, the devastating event remains seared into the memory of all who witnessed it.
Don’t be fooled. These seemingly harmless and fun loving trick-or-treaters are prime suspects in a rash of “Pumpkin Jacking” across the South Eastern U.S. in 2006. Police estimate that $450 worth of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups were jacked in the State of Alabama alone. |
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According to police profilers, most Pumpkin Jackers are roving bands of malcontent kids who have grown tired of getting crappy candy dropped in their treat bags. LaFarge issued a stern warning to homeowners who may be planning to hand out items like toothpaste and apples.
“Woe to the apple-giver on Halloween,” he said. “Anyone handing out any kind of fruit, vegetable, or anything remotely healthy, is just asking for trouble. This isn’t pretty, folks. Don't put yourself at risk.”
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Emily Hawthorne, age 6, aka “The Wicked Wee-otch”, is all lovable smiles in her mug shot after the Clark Bar massacre. She's believed to be the ringleader of Pumpkin Jackers operating with apparent impunity in suburban neighborhoods across the Southeastern U.S. Emily is believed to have personally crushed 18 pumpkins last year alone -- and is alleged to have ordered her henchkids to smash dozens of others. |
LaFarge said homeowners could protect their jack-o-lanterns by filling them with concrete and not drawing attention to them by putting lit candles in them. He also said good candy, such as whole Hershey Bars, can appease would-be Pumpkin Jackers from lashing out.
“I'm not saying we should cave completely to them,” he added, “But, come on folks, if you give out toothpaste on Halloween – you damn well can expect to sacrifice a pumpkin or two on your front stoop. At the very least. You're begging to be Pumpkin Jacked.”
LaFarge described one particularly brutal attack that was caught on video last year.
“They boot-stomped this poor pumpkin like it was Billy Batts’ head in "Goodfellas,"” said LaFarge. “And then they targeted the house. They showed absolutely no remorse.”
Pumpkin Jackers can often be identified by their apparent indifference to pumpkins. They also act like the cutest kids in the world -- only to turn into rampaging, marauding pumpkin crushing little hooligans at the slightest provocation -- particularly an offering of lame candy.
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Pumpkin jackers showed no mercy to the foolish owners of this house in Dade County, who offered them broccoli and cauliflower for Halloween last year. |
Editor’s Note: Happy Halloween from the CoverUps.com Crew!
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