NY Times Publishes Plans For Surprise Birthday Party:
Ruins Birthday Kid’s Life – CoverUps.com
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Sean Flannery, age 8, shortly after learning that plans for his secret surprise birthday party were published in the N.Y. Times. Consequently, nobody he wanted to show up at his birthday party did. |
By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps InvestigatorNEW YORK – The old “Gray Lady” has done it again: last week the N.Y. Times done went and published operational plans for Sean Flannery’s birthday surprise party. Once the party became public knowledge, the “cooler” kids in Flannery’s class didn’t show up, though undesirable relatives did – and it was simply a disaster for the child.
Flannery, 8, of Bath, New York, was all broken up about it and has been inconsolable ever since. Sources say he is considering legal action.
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A distraught Sean Flannery can only hope for a better future. Pegged as “a dork” by his peers when the list of invitees to his party was published by the Times, he watched helplessly as many of the cooler kids opted not to come, since the list included many social undesirables, such as one Denny Swayles, a kid who often eats his own boogers. |
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Denny Swayles. |
“This is horse shit,” said an irate Sean (he learned the phrase from Leo DiCaprio in Titanic, which he’d seen the night before) “I don’t like my creepy relatives and I never wanted them to come to my party. I think Uncle Al tried picking me up on Myspace the other day… I hope the Times is happy. I have creeps showing up at my party all because they put my birthday party on the front page!”
Bill Keller, executive editor of the Times, explained this latest lapse in judgment in a lengthy public letter excerpted below:
Our story about Sean Flannery’s surprise birthday party has generated some questions and concerns that I seldom take seriously because that’s just the kind of guy I am. So as the editor responsible for the tricky decision to publish this story, I'd like to offer a personal reply: Sucks to be you Sean! Ha…ha…ha! You should never have invited that booger-eating nerd Denny Swayles.
New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller.
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Flannery’s Uncle Al and his fourth wife Muriel were the only ones to show up at Sean’s party. Life-long freeloaders, they brought no presents, but were considerate enough to bring a 30-pack of Pabst Light beer for themselves. “Ask me in 13 years, you little brat!” said Uncle Al, when Sean asked him for a sip of beer. Sean’s creep-o relatives even had the gall to take the beers they didn’t drink home with them after the party. They found out about the doomed shindig from the Times article. |
You should have told your Republican-supporting parents not to vote for George W. Bush, who ultimately bears the responsibility for your ruined party. Since September 11, 2001, the Bush Administration has acquired broad anti-surprise party powers without seeking authorizing legislation from Congress… We can’t have this.
You might be surprised, but clandestine birthday party attendees are more than five times as likely to throw a pie in the face of a prominent politician or some a**hole like Tom Cruise when they reach adulthood, when compared to a control-group of party non-attendees, or attendees of placebo parties, according to a recent study funded by me. We can’t have that either. No siree.
We believe the Times in particular and the press in general have served the public interest – and our more important commercial concerns – by accurately reporting on these illicit Bush Administration activities so that the public can have an informed view of exactly who’s going to these birthday parties and who isn’t.
The boy’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Flannery, vowed retaliation against Keller, The New York Times, and the rest of the liberal media elite.
“We’re canceling our Times subscription to start with,” said an indignant Mr. Flannery.
(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)
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