U.S. Military Awards Lucrative Robot Contract,
Runner-Up Says "Fix Was In" - CoverUps.com

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

Blacksburg, VA - Dr. Emilio Disaronno, a one-armed senior robotics researcher at The Virginia Polytechnic School of Robotics, who lost his arm when one of his robots tore it off and beat him with it, claims a representative from the 2006 world-renowned International Robotics convention. The competition was sponsored by U.S. Army and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, and in the end it was revealed that it was rigged.

The winner, dark horse inventor Hank Gulatarski of Wheeling, WV, was awarded $447 billion to further develop his robot, see picture below.

The winning bot, "Chattering Chompers," will strike fear in the hearts of terrorists the world over. Second-hand smoke is only one of its many weapons.

"Cronyism is clearly at work here," griped Dr. Disaronno. "The inventor who got the contract was famous for selling key chains, until they came out with their chattering teeth robot. I mean technically, it is a robot, but comm'on…. Look at it-it's a cheap piece of crap."

Dr. Disarrono claims the lucrative contract wasn't awarded to the most technically sophisticated machine researchers could develop, but rather to a slimy huckster whose expertise appears to lie chiefly in the field of flimsy promotional products.

We tracked down inventor Hank Gulatarski, winner of the contract, who was selling "Drunk A-Z tee shirts" from the trunk of his late model Buick Regal. Accompanied with an entourage of giddy women, Gulatarski was parked at Godfather's Gentleman's Club, an adult-themed dance bar located on Wheeling Island, WV.

We told the scruffy red-eyed entrepreneur of Disaronno's accusations. He was not pleased.

"Sour grapes," Gulatarski said, showing off several of his robots to a group of impressed exotic dancers. "I simply designed a better robot."

We believe Gulatarski and found no government misconduct.

Whereas Dr. Dissaronno's robot is a silicon-based liquid polymer that can morph into any shape, Gulatarski's robot is more practical because it is wireless and can be disguised with a cigarette. Gulatarski's robot is powered by two alkaline batteries and you can manually crank it up once the batteries die, thus making it extremely versatile in today's urban warfare environments.

Chattering Chompers can clatter along at speeds upwards of 120 mph.

As we got "Ass-faced to Zonked" with Gulatarski and his girls, it all seemed so laughable.

"I liked Disarrono's robot better when it was called T2," quipped Gulatarski.

With the influx of government capital, Gulatarski plans to add singing songs to his robot, like one of those novelty fish you can mount on the wall.

"It would be really cool," Gulatarski said, "if our robot could sing 'I'm All Shook UP' and then blow up about twenty mystified terrorists."

For the sake of fairness, below is a photo of Dr. Disarrono's primitive device. Clearly inferior, Coverups.com found no reason to believe the award was rigged.

The Human Engineered Robotic Man is a polymorphic liquid crystal-based killing robot with the intelligence of a hundred Einstein brains soaked in a caraf of extra strong black coffee. It took second place to Chattering Chompers.

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)