New Electronic Voting Machines
Leave Much to be Desired – CoverUps.com

Tracy Jorgenson of Pittsburgh climbs into a new electronic voting machine to cast her ballot for Rick Santorum in this year’s mid-term elections for Pennsylvania’s U.S. State Senate race. The new machines, modeled after common household appliances, are designed to make voters more comfortable.  However, many are claiming they are difficult, if not impossible, to figure out.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

PITTSBURGH - In what is being billed as the most modern election of its kind, and in an effort to avoid the problems that plagued the voting during the 2000 Presidential General Election between Mr. George W. Bush and Mr. Al “Internet” Gore, many States are deploying new electronic voting machines to replace the more anachronistic paper systems, such as the Chad ballots.  The new machines, which look like washing machines, are raising much concern in this year’s mid-term elections. 

Be heard! CoverUps.com encourages you to go out and cast your vote.

“The idea was to model the voting machine after common household appliances which everyone would be familiar with,” said Tom Jefferson, whose firm, Household Appliance and Voting machines, LLC, designed the winning Washing Machine Voting Booth.  “It turned out that scientific social analysis has demonstrated that washing machines tend to be the least intimidating household appliance…. Frankly, this surprised us… I would have bet every damn dollar that I had that our Toaster Ballot Caster would have edged out the Washing Machine.”

Jefferson went on to say they are dedicated to eliminating the prospects of another “Hanging Chad.”

“The next time you see or hear about a ‘Hanging Chad’ there’s a good chance it will be in a pornographic film and not related to an election.  That is our promise,” Jefferson said.

Washing Machine Voting Booths will be in heavy during the 2006 mid-term elections.  Be a good American.  Support our troops too.  They are fighting for your rights to vote. So go out and vote!

In early exit polling is any indication of voter satisfaction with the new machines; the future does not bode well for either household appliance technology or democracy for that matter. 

“I wanted to cast a vote for Mr. Rick Santorum,’ said Bob Witherington.  “However, I think I accidentally hit the rinse cycle or something….  I was confused when I left the polling station -- but at least my shirt was clean!”

Other voters sited similar problems.

Sue Dubois, 54, a widower, who has never missed an election in her lifetime, entered the Washing Machine Voting Booth in a white blouse.  When she left it had turned pink.

“I think the idiot in front of me let some guy in with a red shirt before I voted,” she said.  “I mean clearly they need to create separate polling stations for colors and whites.”

Dubois was rightly denounced for her racist views.

“Modern technology will lead us into the future,” Jefferson said.  “Yes, there will be a few wrinkles in the system (he meant that literally - there would be wrinkles in your shirts and pants) but there have always been problems voting no matter how you do it and in what form you do it.”

Still, others wish different appliances would have been chosen.

“I would have preferred the Toaster Voting Machine,” said Stan Lincoln, who claims to be the great, great grandson of some guy that lived during the administration of Abe Lincoln.  “With the toaster voting machine, it is easy….  You have one handle….   You cast your vote and can enjoy a bagel with crème cheese while you are at it….  What more could you ask for?  Americans love to eat so you would think it would encourage them to vote if you could have toast while you are making up your mind….  I know I would vote more often.”

(More often?  The whole country is not Chicago )

Jefferson did not agree that a toaster was a good idea and defended the choice of the Washing Machine Voting Booth as the final choice to upgrade old voting systems.

“The last thing we want is people eating at the booths,” he said.  “It would simply take too long….  Maybe some people don’t like the Washing Machine Voting Booth, but it is a vast improvement of the prospects of another hanging Chad .”

“The Washing Machine voting appliance may have its critics,” Jefferson said, “…but it sure beats the appliance used in some other parts of the world – it’s called the sword. 

“People have lost their heads over it -- literally.”

The Washing Machine Voting Booth hopes to eliminate the annoying “Hanging Chad.” Pictured at left: Hanging Chad.

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)