Astronaut Suffers From Fart
in Suit – CoverUps.com

A typical NASA space suit can withstand extreme hot and cold temperatures of space, but little thought had been given to what some astronauts are calling the “Cosmic Dutch Oven” effect. The CDO is an incident whereby an astronaut accidentally “let’s one rip in his suit.” This is becoming an increasingly dangerous problem. Four astronauts nearly poisoned themselves from CDO events in the past month. With the introduction of more bean-based foods into the space diet, CDO events will likely rise.

By “Scratch” De Reno
CoverUps.com Investigator

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - Astronaut Sam Gass has undergone every demand of the grueling astronaut training program administered by NASA. However, he claims to have experienced a near death experience in low orbit earlier this year, when he accidentally “busted ass” in his space suite. Like all men, he thought it was funny and was even proud of the “mini-Big Bang” that carried over his intercom to the bemusement of his buddies. However, this all changed, when his helmet filled with a deadly cloud of space... 'ass.'

Gass claims his suit was not built to withstand such noxious fumes from the inside. He was embarrassed about his near “ass-fixation” until he noticed a Russian Cosmonaut on the International Space Station nearly choking to death from a “Tang Fart” the insidious cousin of the CDO.

“We have to do something about these space suits,” said Gass. “A fart on Earth can simply be embarrassing, if not funny and something to brag about… But, in your space suit, it can be deadly.”

We contacted NASA about Gass’ complaint about his “Dutch Oven” experience and the ramifications of “letting one fly in space.” They were very dismissive of the dangers of farting in a self-contained atmosphere.

Dr. Neale Brown of NASA reports:

“You have to understand a space suit is a complex system of garments, equipment and environmental systems designed to keep a person alive and comfortable in the harsh environment of outer space – if you bust ass in your suit, hey... whoever smelt it dealt it! What could we do – design some sort of hatch?”

"Our space suits can even operate extra-vehicular activity outside spacecraft orbiting Earth and can be used to walk and ride the Moon's Lunar Rover," stated Dr. Brown. "These suits are fool proof. Be smart - don’t fart," he said.

Sam Gass was miffed on learning of Brown’s comments. “Yeah, well he can clean the skid marks out of my space suite next time that happens and we’ll see how the jerk likes that.”

Strangely enough, female astronauts don’t seem to have reported any CDO events. We asked Gass if he had any theories as to why.

“Didn't you know?” he said. “Women don’t fart.”