American Flatulence to Blame for Dangerous
Greenhouse Gas Build Up - CoverUps.com

Scott Blevins (left) of Davenport, Iowa turns up his family's noses when he lets one rip during a recent family photo.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

POINT BREEZE, N.Y. - Damnable is the only way to describe a report slated for publication this summer by the World Meteorological Org anization, a United Nations' charter group whose purpose is to monitor dangerous trends in the Earth's atmosphere, CoverUps.com has learned.

This report, The Rise of Ass in the Earth's Atmosphere, places the blame on American flatulence as the main culprit in the increase of dangerous greenhouse gases over the past decade, as well as overall increases in the Ozone Hole (Earth's "The O-Hole"), average jean sizes and sales of Potpourri, among many things.

Chili Con Carne is one dish the World Meteorological Organization singles out as contributing to a dangerous increase in methane gas levels in the Earth's atmosphere.

"Clearly, American eating habits are having an adverse effect on the Earth's atmosphere and the rest of the world is paying the price," said Dr. Larry Sphincter, chair of a scientific advisory group that overseas the WMO Global Atmosphere Watch program from his "Freon-free" office in Johannesburg, South Africa. "Is it any wonder, with all those Big Macs, Double Quarter-pounders, Stuffed-crust Pizzas and other garbage American's are consuming that methane gas is reaching dangerous levels? The world is becoming one big 'Dutch Oven' and America is to blame."

Cathy "Prairie Dogger" Portland of Shreveport, LA. sharts her pants after a lunch heavy on Tex-Mex.

The report based its findings on methane gas levels trapped in ice core samples taken from the North Pole last year compared to ice core samples dated 100,000 years old. The newer ice core samples contain far more skid marks then the older ones, the report claimed. Cultural changes are playing a role, too, the report said. More Americans are less embarrassed about flatulence then in past generations. "This used to be an unpardonable sin," Sphincter said. "Now everybody does it, not just Americans. Our pastor broke wind during his sermon last week. He chuckled and then continued on with his sermon."

Emily Weimert of San Diego, California squats down for a little "crop dusting" at the office.

Some critics call 'The Rise of Ass In the Earth's Atmosphere' just another America-bashing report drummed up by the ever dour United Nations. Critics refer specifically to the implausible doomsday scenario that if all Americans farted at the same time, the Earth could be catapulted out of its orbit and propelled into space. Many scientists disagree.

"I don't buy it," said U.S. Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Dr. James D. Ruehling. "All those asses would have to be pointed at just the right angle to jettison the Earth out of its orbit."

Furthermore, when asked about reports suggesting Americans are to blame for "stinking up" the planet due to insatiable appetites and apparently limitless need for attention when it comes to bodily functions, Ruehling was dismissive.

"I got one thing to say to the WMO," Ruehling said, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it."

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)