Old Galaxy Naming System Gets
The Boot
– CoverUps.com
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This galaxy, formerly called 'M100' under centuries-old astronomical naming conventions, will heretofore be referred to as 'Fred' under a radical new system established by Dr. Fred Ploobin, new president of the Galaxy Namers Association. Ploobin says it's just a coincidence that he and the galaxy share a first name. |
By Scoop Ellison
CoverUps Investigative WriterIt's out with the old and in with the new in the august halls of the Galaxy Namers Association, where the incoming President, Dr. Frederick F. "Fred" Ploobin, has swept aside tradition and set the astronomical world on its ear.
"The old naming system sucked," Ploobin said, scratching his head. "Too many numbers, too much gibberish. M-this, NGC-that -- how impersonal! Galaxies are magnificent and soulful. They're great creations of God. They should have names. "
And so Ploobin embarked on a massive re-naming and re-classification project that promises to take years, whether lawsuits from disgruntled underlings make their way into court or not.
"They dare defy me?" thundered Ploobin. "What insolence!"
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Dr. Ploobin, whose radical new galaxy-naming system has aroused anger and derision from just about everyone who's heard of it. |
But it's not just sour-grapes subordinates who are making life difficult for Ploobin. His own family has denounced him in the media.
"I hate to say it, but dad's nuts," said Ploobin's son, 24-year-old Fred Ploobin Jr., a shoe-box designer in Los Angeles, who gave an exclusive interview to CoverUps. "We had to commit him last year to the Cudahy Hospital for the Pathetically Insane. A couple months ago he escaped and they posted guards around our house. Next thing we hear he's taken over the Galaxy Namers Association."
"It just happens to be next to the hospital," said Frederica Ploobin, 22, a student who's pursuing a degree in moray eel proctology.
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Moray eel. |
"Dad's always doing stuff like this," said Fredrickaette Ploobin, 18. "I'm tired of being interviewed."
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Dr. Ploobin's children (left to right: Frederica Ploobin, Fred Ploobin Jr., and Fredrickaette Ploobin). They claim their father is an escaped mental patient who comandeered the Galaxy Namers Association, mysteriously ousted the old leadership, and proceeded to overturn long-established astronomical naming precedent on a whim. |
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Ploobin's wife Fredna declined to comment for this article. |
Of all the hurdles Ploobin must clear, the toughest is his insistence that every galaxy in the observable universe be named Fred, or some variant of Fred.
"What's wrong with that?" Ploobin asked belligerently. "Fred is a noble name. It's English, Scottish and Welsh. It means 'Peace Ruler'. Who wouldn't want peace to rule in the universe?"
Reminded of the estimated one hundred billion galaxies in the observable universe, Ploobin was unfazed.
"I'm rolling up my shirt sleeves and sending out for pizza," he said. "It looks like it's going to be an all-nighter. I'll fortify myself with Jolt cola and paint thinner."
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Fred Wackadoo, the outgoing President of the Galaxy Namers Association. He dismisses allegations of malfeasance in the transfer of power to Ploobin. He says he approves of the new naming system. |
While Ploobin burns the proverbial midnight oil in search of that one hundred billionth variant of the name "Fred", new and ever-more powerful telescopes promise to push back the boundaries of the known universe still further, and make his quixotic task more quixotic still.
Meanwhile, his family can only look on in dismay and amazement.
"You're gonna have to retract all this stuff in a week," Frederica Ploobin told CoverUps, shaking her head. "That's how long Dad's obsessions usually last."
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