Transformers Need to Go Green – CoverUps.com
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Transformers have thrilled many people over the years – except for those pesky no-fun environmentalists who believe the Transformers are energy hogs who should be kicked off the planet if they don't switch over to flex fuel or go hybrid real soon. |
By Scratch De Reno
CoverUps InvestigatorACROSS THE GLOBE – Everyone knows that Transformers are alien robots from the planet Cybertron who can disguise themselves on Earth as cars and other vehicles. They have long enflamed the imagination of fans with their cool shape-shifting abilities.
Surprisingly, the 2007 feature film Transformers is an account based on real transformers living here on Earth, CoverUps learned. And not surprisingly they have recently drawn the ire of environmentalists.
While most people enjoy the cool robots, some enviros believe Transformers are just “energy hogs” and unless they “go green” they might just as well pack their robot bags and get the hell off of our planet Earth.
“In my opinion, they should go back to the grease monkeys that made them on Cybertron,” said Larry Green, a gung-ho tree hugger and activist, who's pushing for state legislation to ban all Autobots and Decepticons.
“Optimus Prime has a carbon footprint bigger than Al Gore’s ego,” laughed Green. “You thought SUVs got poor gas mileage – try filling up Optimus Prime at the gas pump. He makes the Hummer H1 look like a solar-powered lawn mower.”
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Los Angeles, recently was the site of a fist-fight between Optimus Prime and Megatron, is one city cited by Green as having increased smog levels due to the Transformers fossil fuel byproducts. |
Optimus Prime, an Autobot, or transformer, is the self-styled leader of a group of interstellar alien Autobots on Earth. Other Autobots include “Bumblebee” who can change into a 1979 or 2007 Camaro, and “Ratchet”, who can turn into a Hummer. They're the sworn enemies of Megatron and his gang of transformers. The two groups battle it out here on Earth while we go about our daily lives.
Green says the Transformers add too much smog to the atmosphere:
“Optimus Prime needs to go over to flex fuel or get a hybrid motor installed,” Green argued. “Yes, he's cool as hell and all that – but the Earth’s ozone layer is taking a beating from OP's terrible EPA estimated miles per gallon. I think he gets about three MPG – and that's when he's not running hard and smashing up cities and other infrastructure.”
Asked to respond to Green's criticisms, Optimus Prime was unapologetic.
“He can suck my spark plug,” Optimus said. “We’re not just cars – we're intelligent life forms who need fuel like you humans need food. Are you saying we can’t have food? I'm sorry but I tried Tofu once and hated it.”
In addition to his other charges, Green said that fuel perk programs (where consumers get fuel discounts in exchange patronizing a merchant) unfairly favor Transformers, who get the lion's share of the patronage in exchange for not smashing up certain stores while fighting Megatron and his minions.
“They get almost all their fuel for free anyhow,” railed Green. "Their fights have a tendency to level whole city blocks. What a waste of resources.”
We found Megatron, mortal enemy of Optimus Prime, sipping on a Chevron tanker truck in suburban Boston. We asked the evil Decepticon what he thought of Green’s accusations.
“I am Megatron!” he bellowed, before embarking on a rampage through Boston, destroying everything in sight, and leaving our question unanswered.
Green was not surprised.
“These are not robots in disguise, he said, sighing, “They’re just overly mechanized assholes.”
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