Stunned Scientists Discover: Mars once had
lots of beaver – CoverUps.com
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Artists' conception of a time in the distant past on Mars when the Red Planet had lots of beaver. |
By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator
MARS, THE RED PLANET - Mars is the fourth planet from the Sun in the Solar System, and though scientists have long thought it may once have had water in liquid form, no one suspected it was also home to lots of beaver – really, really hot-looking beaver.
“Mars was just teaming with beaver,” said astrophysicist Chad Bunson giddily.
Bunson talked to us at his desk, over a mixed stack of Sky & Telescope and Swank magazines.
Mars is named after the Roman god of war, Bunson said. It is also referred to as the "Red Planet" because of its reddish appearance as seen from Earth. Now maybe it should be called something else on account of all the beaver.
“For centuries, it has fascinated man because of its reddish color (eh, the planet that is). Now, it’s even more fascinating because of all the beaver that lived there without any natural competition. Heck, even us dorky scientists could’ve scored on Mars,” Bunson said, excitedly.
He couldn’t offer an explanation as to how the beaver got there.
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"Does it really matter how beaver got on Mars?" asked Bunson. "We still don't know how it got in Beaverton, Oregon." |
Then he launched into a boring description of a beaverless Mars: “... a terrestrial planet with a thin atmosphere, with such surface features as impact craters reminiscent of the Moon, and other features – volcanoes, valleys, deserts and polar ice caps – that are reminiscent of Earth ...”Yadda. Yadda. Yadda.
Mars is also the home of Olympus Mons, the highest known mountain in the Solar System, as well as Valles Marineris, the largest canyon.
“Just thinking of all the beaver on Mars gives me a little ‘Olympus Mons’ in my pants if you know what I mean,” Bunson said, laughing goofily and straightening his glasses and pocket protector, which bristled with pencils.
Mars’ rotational period and seasonal cycles are likewise similar to those of Earth, Bunson said.
“Let’s get back to beaver,” we told him. “That’s the whole point of this article.”
“Right, right, sorry,” said Bunson. “Our data shows that whereas there’s a lot of beaver on Earth today, Mars once had the most. But hey, from my perspective, Earth is just as barren of beaver now as Mars is. Boy, I wish I could go back to Mars when it had all that beaver.”
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Bunson's favorite movie is The Naked Gun – From the Files of Police Squad. "I especially like the scene where Frank Drebin stares up Priscilla Presley's dress and says, "Wow, nice beaver," and she pulls this taxidermy beaver out of her attic, and says, you know, 'Thanks. I just had it stuffed.' That's why I think these new discoveries on Mars are so important." |
What, we asked him, would he have done with the beaver on Mars that he couldn’t theoretically do here on Earth?
“Nothing I guess,” said Bunson. “I can still imagine can’t I? Is there anything wrong with that?”
No, we guess not. But how 'bout calling for some Cool Whip and a turkey baster from room service and then hanging a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door for starters ...
Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com.
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