Monkey Men Assassins Besiege
General Populace - CoverUps.com

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

Rancho Dressing, Arizona - CoverUps.com has learned from a hesitant and dubious source that a recent tripped-breaker at a double-secret, research laboratory of the United States Office of Genetic Trail and Error may have resulted in the release of genetically-manipulated "monkey men" assassins into the general populace.

Originally engineered as an elite antiterrorism squad, these monkey men were designed to protect high profile politicians vacationing on taxpayer-funded excursions to posh Caribbean resorts.

In a rare display of Government accountability, Ephraim Oppegard, a low-level functionary at the lab, said it was primarily his fault the breaker got tripped and the monkey men assassins were released at the maximum-security double-secret laboratory.

"I was trying to plug in my Sirius Satellite radio, when I realized I probably had overloaded the circuits, since I was recharging my car battery from the same outlet," said a stoned and disengaged Oppegard. "Next thing I know, these crazy monkey men were running throughout the laboratory."

After power had been restored, Oppegard admitted disaster could have been adverted had he acted fast to flip the switch on the security power grid. As it were, he quickly unplugged his Sirius Satellite Radio unit and ran for safety. He explained he was afraid for his satellite radio, since he had declined the unit's extended warranty coverage from Best Buy merely days ago. He didn't think he could return a unit crushed by a genetically-engineered half-man, half-gorilla assassin.

Officially, the White House would only acknowledge an "unusual spike in umbrella wielding monkey men sightings throughout the south western United States." They cited the porous Mexican-US border and a spike in solar flare activity as possibly contributing to the problem.

Because of Oppegard's negligence, Coverups.com believes about 3,000 or more of these genetically-engineered monkey assassins escaped. More troubling is the discovery that before they breached the laboratory's grounds, many gained unfettered access to a cache of molecularly-enhanced drink umbrellas, whispered to be en route to an enraged and pantless U.S Senator Ted Kennedy.

CoverUps.com was on the verge of convincing Oppegard to blow the whistle on what clearly is government deception to hide a major calamity. However, during our interview, Oppegard gasped inexplicably: "Poison - Nano - Dart." Moments afterwards, he clutched his neck and collapsed.

Rancho Dressing County Coroner, Harry Hinterleiter, reported Oppegard suffered from a rare congenital heart condition that can cause one's ticker to destabilize at the atomic level and implode.

Oppegard has no known relatives, but is survived by his Sirius Satellite Radio unit.