Archeologist Discovers
2,400 Year Old Scroll - CoverUps.com

Testicticles, (c. 433 - 340 BC), was reportedly an immensely annoying and obnoxious ancient Greek philosopher and a constant thorn in Plato's side. He allegedly was an unbearable student of Socrates, writer of banal and inane philosophical dialogues, and believed to be co-investor in the Academy in Athens where Aristotle studied. Moreover, Testicticles reportedly made a small fortune as the owner of a then popular chain of coin operated Toga laundry mats.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

ATHENS, Greece - Archeologists and experts in Greek philosophy have discovered a 2,400 year old papyrus scroll, which is believed to have been deliberately "deleted" from Plato's great dialogues, perhaps even by Plato himself.

The faded scroll, which has been deciphered using cutting edge imaging technology, is believed to be the work of a little understood Greek philosopher, Testicticles (Test-TICK-Tick-Clease), who was held in great disfavor among many of his ancient contemporaries but nonetheless figured prominently in his time as a practical jokester and philosopher. As far as historians can tell, Testicticles is the first man in recorded history to have been called a "dickhead," perhaps even by the venerated Plato.

Above: The Penis Dialogues were discovered in a cave in northern Greece. They are believed to be the works of Testicticles, an ancient practical jokester and philosopher. Plato allegedly hated his guts and was often the victim of his pranks.

"Plato clearly thought Testicticles was a dickhead," said Greek researcher and archeologist Nicholas Pierris of the Archeological Institute for the Preservation of Pedantic Study. "In fact, they hated each other. This may also stem from Testicticles being far more popular and wealthier than Plato in his time."

Pierris claims Plato lectured extensively at the Academy, and whereas wrote on many philosophical issues of the day, especially in politics, ethics, epistemology, metaphysics, and how to deal with the illegal Greek - Persian border crossings. Testicticles was preoccupied with annoying the hell out of everyone and had a propensity for overstaying his welcome in people's homes, driving slow in the fast chariot lane, not chipping in for nectar, constantly bumming cigarettes, placing whoopee cushions on Plato's seat, and gained notoriety for wearing Togas that said 'I think with Stupid.'

"He was very annoying. He seemed to have all the answers and took credit for many theorems that were not his. In many ways, he was not unlike an ancient Al Gore in that regard," Pierris said.

Themost important writings of Testicticles are his Penis Dialogues, some say an early male equivalent and early precursor of the Vagina Monologues. However, these writings dealt primarily with puerile bathroom humor and dick jokes.

Plato is thought to have hated Testicticles and removed all traces of him from his dialogues. Plato was tired of being the butt end of all Testicticles' jokes.

Although very few parts of the Penis Dialogues are readable, the ancient scroll contains some passages providing rare insight into the ancient male libido. Not much has changed, Perris said:

"Just like today, most men at the time thought with their tally whackers," Perris said. "They also laughed and enjoyed a good ribald joke, too. Testicticles knew just about every 'Nantucket' joke you could think of…."

It is believed that during Socrates classes, Testicticles would often break wind at inopportune times much to the detriment of students that were serious about philosophy like Plato, Perris said. The fact that Plato never mentions Testicticles in any of his works, is perhaps proof by omission that he was jealous of Testicticles' popularity and wealth, which he acquired through his lucrative chain of coin-operated Toga laundry mats, Perris said.

Perris was not through: "I really think Plato was insecure. It was wrong for him to ignore Testicticles' contribution to Greek philosophy and especially bathroom humor. He didn't like him, so he left him out of his dialogues… Plato could be very self-serving and catty that way… I mean, he didn't put anything about his own meetings with Viagras the Hardened either, now did he? Plato was all about Plato and because of that, who knows how many good dick jokes Testicticles took to the grave? We'll never know. We have Plato to thank for that," Perris said.

What a dickhead.

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