Astounded Scientists Uncover
Secret Sex Life of Wild Pencils – CoverUps.com

Sticking it to each other – Pencil style! Here we are watching two pencils “do it” as one observer put it.  Scientists have now learned exactly where pencils come from and it has surprised many in the writing industry.  Apparently, they can couple and reproduce.  Their erasers house sexual reproductive organs.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

SYNDEY - Faber-Castell, a world leader in the maker of pencils, has long been believed to grow trees to produce pencils on Australian tree nurseries.  CoverUps has learned that that is all bullshit. 

“It really is hard to believe, but pencils are not milled from trees,” exclaimed Dr. Raul Penn, who for years has suspected there was more to the eraser than meets the eye.  “One day I had two No. 2 pencils in my pocket protector and had a little too much of the “research vodka” I keep in that special beaker.  When I awoke – there were 3 pencils in my pocket protector.  I know before I got drunk that I only had two.  This was the apple falling on my head incident!”

Penn is not referring to the famous incident where an apple landed on Isaac Newton’s head, thus inspiring his fundamental laws of physics, rather Penn is referring to the time his girlfriend smashed an apple martini over his head.

We decided to investigate for ourselves.

CoverUps traveled down to Australian and snuck into one such “tree farms” and boy were we surprised at what we saw: Pencils reproducing biologically!  Yes, you heard it here – pencils can have sex.

Marlene Serrano, 48, of Albany, N.Y. believed all along that pencils were capable of having sex.  She claims her skinny boyfriend, Ben Hodges, has made love to her with his “no. 2 pencil’ for years.

“Really, this tops the study of that goofy scientist that proved gorillas like watching pornography.  I mean that was just an excuse to watch porn all day.  This is really different.  If pencils have sex, what other household products might be having sex?  Who knows?  Do erasers?  Do chalk?  How many times to you open your junk drawer and think where did we get all this clutter?”

Although, he has been unable to witness it first hand, Penn is firmly convinced paper clips have sex and coins copulate when left alone in sofas.

He planned to diagram exactly how this might happen, but he didn’t have a pencil handy.