NASA commander’s secret photos of
Alien worlds obtained – CoverUps.com
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Believed to lie in a solar system in the heart of a galaxy in M100, a (relatively) nearby super-cluster of galaxies, this planet has a lovely green atmosphere which is highly breathable by humans. |
By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps InvestigatorCAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA – and some planet presumably in M100 ― CoverUps has obtained rare photography of an alien world captured when the commander of a recent NASA shuttle mission made a wrong turn.
“I admit it, I wasn’t paying attention,” said pilot Matt Einstein. “I was yakking on my cell phone to one of my buds, eating cheese puffs, when I should've been concentrating on the yoke. Shoulda made that left turn at Albuquerque.”
Instead of docking at the International Space Snafu as planned, Einstein and crew found themselves hurtling through the twists and turns of a wormhole that dumped them in what they believe was the heart of the M100 galaxy cluster.
They'd barely got their bearings when they ran out of gas and had to refuel on an earthlike planet inhabited by aliens. Luckily, the economy of their civilization was petroleum-based.
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Gassing up somewhere in M100. These aliens don't have anything like OPEC – don't say anything, okay? And they'll wash your windows and check your oil too. Full service rocks. |
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We rented jet skis and wow, what a great time. This planet (the name of which we still can't pronounce) has amazing night skies. and was mostly covered with water, which was surprisingly comfortable to swim in. I think they had a recent episode of global warming. Someone should tell Al Gore that warmer isn't all bad. |
Since Einstein brought his personal digital camera on the trip against NASA regulations – and then sold his photographs for an undisclosed sum – NASA fired him without pay. Until he finds other space work, he can be found changing oil at a Jiffy Lube in Orlando, Florida.
Still, his photos are quite captivating.
“The planet we stayed on appears to reside in a spiral galaxy much like our own Milky Way, which we believe is in the M 100 group," he recalls. "It's one of the brightest in a rich galaxy grouping called the Virgo Cluster, and has many of the modern amenities you would come to expect on Earth – strip malls, Wal-Marts, fast food joints…. You name it. You just have to know where to look.”
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On the second day of our sojourn we watched a brilliant sunrise. Later we had breakfast at a space-alien iHop. We found the pancakes quite delicious. Then we stayed at a space-alien Bed and Breakfast: The Lost Human Inn, which was affordable and clean. And the staff, though very frightening in appearance, were knowledgeable about local attractions. |
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Here's a typical alien city. Freaking amazing. It had this extra dimension or something – like looking at one of those MC Escher paintings you can’t quite figure out. |
Einstein liked M100 so much he wished he could stay there, he said. He'd like to open up a bar or some kind of themed restaurant, which he thinks would do really well.
“Just open up a Hooters and we've got a freaking gold mine,” Einstein said. "NASA would never have to worry about budget cuts again."
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The local moon looked like it really got the hell kicked out of it when this solar system formed. It's freaking close, too. Too close if you ask me. You should see the high tides. |
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Traffic was a bit of a problem leaving this alien city. This is one of their simpler interstate exchanges. We still haven't figured it out. We asked several aliens how to get to Three Moons Beach. We couldn't really understand what they were saying, but we think it was some version of: “You can’t get there from here pal.” |
We asked NASA why they wouldn’t declassify Einstein's photos – or at least send another probe back to M100 to explore further. And what about the freaking worm hole – you could sell right-of-ways to companies like Dominos and make a killing.“Yes, we'd like to go gallivanting all over the universe,” said Tracy Starr, Kennedy Space Flight Center spokesperson. “…but some of us have serious scientific responsibilities.”
“We're committed to remodeling the International Space Station,” Starr added. “Then maybe if we can flip the thing to some aliens and make a little money, we can turn our attention elsewhere in the universe. One thing at a time, please. What's the big rush?”
Einstein was perplexed. “Who cares about the International Space Trailer Park when there're Taj Mahals galore in them thar stars. We're missing the boat big time.”
“Einstein is clearly no Einstein,” Starr retorted.
Shortly after our interview, CoverUps learned that Hooters' corporate headquarters had received franchise inquiries from an unnamed government agency.
(Scratch can be reached at Scratch@Coverups.com)
