Are Dogs Smarter Than We Think? - CoverUps.com

Jason LaFratta, Scranton, PA shares a heart to heart with his dog Shaggy. Since he bought a Barktionary, he can now understand his dog on his dog's level. Their relationship has reached a new level of understanding and camaraderie. This summer they plan on taking a Carnival 'Dog and Master' Caribbean Cruise.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

PITTSBURGH - Linguistic researchers have created a device that can explain the thoughts of dogs by translating their unique brain patterns into the equivalent of human thoughts, CoverUps.com has learned. Developed by Carnegie Mellon University's Human Canine Interaction Institute, the "Barktionary" is a thorough compendium all things dogs say and do.

This weighty volume reveals the meaning behind over one million plus dog sounds, grunts, ball scratches, dry humpings, growls, not to mention a myriad of genitalia lickings and tail chasings. Having taken 21 dog years to compile, the Barktionary is being hailed as a Rosetta stone of both verbal and non-verbal canine communication.

Pictured to the left is the full Barktionary set developed by Carnegie Mellon University's Human Canine Interaction Institute.

"For all the dog owners out there that ever wondered what their dog really thinks, this is the book for you" said Larry Doberman, a canine linguistic researcher who worked on the project as part of his PhD in Organizational Dog Theory.

Doberman's findings, which are to be published simultaneously in both the American Journal of Science and Dog Fancy, answers all sorts of vexing questions about man's best friend. For instance, are animals aware of their mortality?

The answer is yes. In fact, several dogs we interviewed using the Barktionary told CoverUps that they realize they can only chase so many cars before it's off to Dog heaven.

Using the Barktionary we learn that Zambuca, a dog belonging to an owner in Athens, GA, is a big fan of the grunge music scene. Hence, the whole shaggy appearance thing he's got going on. His owner, Todd Gary, is a drummer for a garage band called "The Fire Hydrants." They plan to release a debut CD this fall called "Pissing on Fire Hydrants." The song is about Zambuca's wilder days urinating on various municipal utility objects.

Bill Everett, a 36-year old uncertified Tai-Bo instructor in St. Louis, said that once he took the time to translate his dog's bark, he was amazed at how profound dogs actually were. "Dogs are aware that they are going to die one day, just like humans," Everett said. "It's just that dogs don't bitch about it like humans do."

Pictured above is Todd Jefferson, Seattle, with his pet dog, Morris. With the advent of the Barktionary, Morris can do the crossword puzzle with him everyday. Morris is also a great Scrabble player his owner, Todd Jefferson, said. This has all been made possible with the Barktionary.

Everett said that talking to his dog has disbanded many stereotypes that dogs were dumb, or at least not as smart as cats, he said. In fact, he said dogs actually like cats very much and get along with them fine, it's just humans tend to project on both cats and dogs a myopic view that all creatures of different backgrounds simply don't mix.

This highly intelligent dog, Copernicus, dispenses real estate advice to first time home buyers on a radio show Dogcasted from his owner's basement (using the Barktionary of course)! He helped other dogs find great value in dog house fixer-upers over the past ten years and has a net worth of over 3.4 million dog biscuits. Using the Barktionary, Copernicus, can dispense all sorts of advice to his owner, who has made a fortune listening to his wise dog.

Curiously, dogs are naturally gifted lawyers. Chasing ambulances and other vehicles is an innate trait of most dogs. They are well versed in most areas of human law. However, taking advice from intelligent dogs, especially having a dog represent you in court, can be a dicey proposition.

Dogs not only age seven times faster than humans, they charge seven times as much as high powered human attorneys.

"What can I say," said Chuck Waggle of Memphis, TN, who recently hired a dog for a lawyer in divorce court. "It's a dog eat dog world out there and you get what you pay for…."

Not only did Waggle get the house in his settlement, he got to keep all the chew toys, too. All made possible through the Barktionary.

(Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)

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