Ambulance Chasing to Become
New Sport on ESPN – CoverUps.com

With ambulance chasing and public demand for it at record highs, ESPN is launching a controversial new sports channel dedicated to high-speed chases.

By Fredericka Kozlowski
CoverUps Investigative Reporter

“Whenever standard network programming is interrupted for a high-speed chase, ratings increase ten fold,” said ESPN executive Jane Thomas. “Americans love car chases. We figured there had to be some way we could use this craving to create something never before seen in the sports world. Spontaneous, unpredictable, reality-based, dangerous, organized sport. No refs, no million-dollar contracts, no steroids – just what it is.”

Thomas is describing, oddly enough, the beginnings of a brand new network – and a new form of entertainment. A network that features “everything chase”: low-speed, high-speed, organized or utterly spontaneous. A fancy new helicopter, ESPN 5-0, (dubbed “the chopper”) has already been bought, at fabulous expense, by the network. It will cover high speed chases all over the country, and have special commentators trained to smoothly and accurately describe these exciting (if petty) tragedies in a far more skillful way than bumbling, fumbling news anchors have until now.

Whether traffic violations are a bonus or a deduction in points has yet to be worked out, but if pulled over, the pursuing driver is disqualified. Cameras will be set up in the driver’s car to show those chases ESPN cannot catch with their helicopter.

“This is the most obscene idea I’ve ever heard of,” said Chief Harren of the Los Angeles Police Department in the Los Angeles Times. “It encourages this kind of behavior, and it’s dangerous. It will cause more accidents in a city already chock full of them.”

But other officers see an opportunity. Deputy Carlson told CoverUps it will create more opportunities for him to pull people over. “All I have to do is wait for an ambulance to go by, and bam, there’s my monthly quota. I mean, if we had quotas. Which we don’t.”

Squad-car cameras will fill in when “the chopper” is engaged elsewhere. Local police departments will get a piece of the TV revenue, in addition to that derived from the ticket.

The California Highway Patrol has already signed on, and other states are expected to follow.

The network’s debut date is still unclear, according to ESPN spokesman Tim Thurman. Rumors say a target date in late 2008 has been set. When that day comes, TV viewers the world over will rejoice when they no longer have to worry that their favorite show could be interrupted by these impromptu demolition derbies.