President Calls For Football Players
To Patrol U.S. Mexican Border – CoverUps.com

President George W. Bush plans to crack down on illegal immigrants crossing the US/Mexican border by hiring, on a part-time basis, members of the 2006 Super Bowl XL Champion Pittsburgh Steelers professional football team.

By Scratch De Reno
CoverUps.com Investigator

THE WHITE HOUSE - Coming off the heels of a recent trip the White House, the 2006 Super Bowl XL Champion Pittsburgh Steelers have been asked by President George W. Bush to help in efforts to patrol the U.S. - Mexican border and put the blitz on illegal border running. The idea was hatched when President Bush meet most of the Steelers in a recent trip to the White House commemorating their Super Bowl Championship this last February.

In lieu of the traditional garb, a border patrol agent receives a football helmet as part of an effort to not only revamp the Border Patrol, but also allow football players the chance to tackle illegal immigrants.

“In case you hadn’t noticed,” President Bush joked, “We have trouble stopping the run on the US/Mexican border. The (Steelers) linebackers have great range… I simply can’t see undocumented Mexicans outrunning a Joey Porter (outside linebacker) or running up the gut on a load like Casey Hampton (nose tackle). What is needed is not a fence, but simply more athleticism.”

Traditional means of patrolling the border have remained ineffective in securing the U.S.- Mexican border. Now, football players will be involved in what appears to be the first ever collaboration between a professional sports franchise and the U.S. Government’s duty to secure the borders.

Many Washington pundits agree.

Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada said, “This is the best idea since the Dubai people were called up to run our ports.”

Bill O’Reilly, a Fox conservative political commentator, said, “Cindy Sheehan should shut up.”

Ex-President Bill Clinton even loved the idea. “Hey, football players get a lot of girls. This can only bode well for the Government.”

However, John Podesta, head of the Center for American Progress, a more liberal think tank, was lined up for interviews with eight broadcasters with a list of counter points to why he thought it might be a bad idea:

“The Mexicans have the best ground game in the world,” Podesta said. “Once they get to the other side of the Rio, they are pretty darn fast. I know Troy Polamalu (a Steelers strong safety) could probably catch a thousand people all by himself, but only after they make into the secondary, which I put someplace as far north as Reno, NV. I have other counter points to, but they make no sense…”

President Bush said that not only could the Steelers be recruited to help stop the run, but perhaps the Green Bay Packers might help in putting pressure on North Korean to stop missile tests. The Green Bay Packers posted an NFL league leading low of 167.5 yards per game in 2005; President Bush said he learned this by sorting stats on NFL.com.

“I don’t know about you,” President Bush said. “But it's pretty hard to fire a missile if it will only go one-hundred and sixty seven yards.”

Now, if we can only figure out how to have Roger Clemens throw hand grenades, our national defense strategy will be complete.

Scratch DeReno can be reached at Scratch@CoverUps.com)