Steroid-abuser’s head turns
into ostrich egg – CoverUps.com
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This professional baseball “player to be prosecuted later,” abused steroids so bad that his head genetically morphed into an ostrich egg. He has since quit Major League Baseball and joined a traveling circus. |
By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps InvestigatorSAN FRANCISCO ― During the U.S. Dept. of Justice’s probe into steroid abuse in Major League Baseball, a startling discovery was made and swiftly covered up, we have learned. Even the normally hyper-aggressive U.S. DOJ wanted this one buried: A Major League player with an undisclosed team, apparently abused steroids to the point where his head changed into an ostrich egg.
“This should serve as a grave warning to anyone thinking about using steroids,” said former Sen. Babe Homer, who is leading a
through the motionscomprehensive investigation into steroid abuse in Major League Baseball.Sen. Homer provided us with the amazing photo of an outfielder whose noggin is now an ostrich egg.
Homer told CoverUps that the player claims to have been completely unaware that what he was taking was illegal and dangerous (admittedly in a funny way).
This “player to be prosecuted later” was reportedly a work-out partner with baseball slugger Barry Bonds and, surprisingly, Big Bird of Sesame Street.
Long suspected of steroid abuse, Big Bird railed against his critics in a recent press conference.
“What the F―,” the outsized avian squawked. “Why would I want to take steroids with Bonds? ― I mean ‘if’ he did steroids of course! I do a kid’s show. You're all liars! I'm sick of the f—ing lies. Birds got it tough enough in this world as it is. The s--t we have to take ... So you wanted to bring us down? Congratulations! You did!”
Critics assert that like Bonds, Big Bird was undersized when he began his career.
Barry Bonds denied that he ever worked out with Big Bird.
CoverUps has also learned that other famous kiddy TV stars are on a secret list of BALCO (Bay Area Laboratory Cooperative) customers run by Vincent Conte.
“I'm not saying Barney is a ‘roid’ freak, but for crying out loud he's a friggin purple dinosaur. He used to work out with Bonds too.”
Senator Homer cites an incident, still unverified, where Barney, allegedly overcome with ‘roid’ rage, beat a TV production associate senseless with a loaf of pumpernickel bread and his favorite food, mac and cheese.
Still, Senator Homer sees a silver lining around the 'roid cloud.
“If Ostrich Egghead Man-freak can save even one young athlete from taking steroids and having their head turn into a dairy product, maybe some good will have been done."
Although there is no direct evidence tying Big Bird to Barry Bonds, federal prosecutors who confiscated one of the home-run king's cell phones in a 'roid raid let CoverUps hear a voice mail message they say could be a smoking gun:
“Bok, bok, bok, bok…” it began.
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